LEAGUE STANDINGS

This Week in NFL/History: Derrick Henry goes Super-Saiyan in a huge Titans comeback over the Seahawks, Cardinals win a THRILLER to send the Vikings to 2-0, The Chiefs fall to the Ravens in a battle of the AFC juggernauts on Sunday Night, and Aaron Jones decidedly Dad-dicks a devastated Detroit on MNF. Border Patrols go full Cowboy mode on Haitians, and Gabby Petrito's body was found in Wyoming

Game Results

Tim Teboner!! 135.28 - 135.36 MingusBluesBoys

GAME OF THE WEEK - Wow, what a game. Derrick Henry does Derrick Henry things to give Mingus a sizeable lead going into Sunday Night with a 45 bomb. But the Teboners have a lot of players in the Ravens-Chiefs game... sure enough they produce enough to get the lead. 1:00 left in the game, Mingus has nobody left, it's game over. UNLESS!?? Clyde FUMBLES!?? That's -2 points for the Teboners! They're gonna lose! Okay, nevermind, Lamar Jackson picks up a few yards, seals the victory, with JUST enough to give The Teboners a .02 point lead. BUT WAIT. THE CLOCK IS STILL RUNNING. The Ravens trot out in "Victory" Formation, Lamar takes a knee which counts as -1 Rushing Yards, which gives Tim Teboner -0.1 points. JUST ENOUGH TO GIVE MINGUS THE LEAD BY .08 POINTS. NEVER BEEN EASIER. We reached out to the coach of the Tim Teboners, Will Reno, for comment (Let the record show that the following statement does not reflect the views of the Kolkata Football League, reader discretion is advised).

"When I saw ESPN tell me I had a 97% chance of winning, of course I naturally started thanking my lord and savior, Satan, for the win. But obviously things didn’t go my way. I think an immature owner would try to blame the commissioner for allowing such a egregious error go unnoticed or try to blame my players for not considering the scoreboard that matters, but as a mature adult it is obvious that my real enemy is God himself and I must stay committed to the goal of winning the league, even when Jesus Christ gives my anus splinters from shoving his crucified cross up my ass."

Chafey's Buff Boys 120.8 - 131.92 Staten Island Jokers

This week started off looking grim for the Jokers, when Josh decided not to play Scary Terry and Daniel Jones on Thursday Night, leaving a combined 52 points on his bench. The Buff Boys start out look Buff as can be on Sunday morning, and the week looks over for the Jokers, until a Monday Evening 4TD explosion from Aaron Jones, when the Jokers steal the win and drive Chafey to self-harm. A HUGE comeback win for the Jokers, and a severe setback for the new 0-2 Buff Boys, who are beginning to wonder why this stupid sport is acutally so stupid.

Boob Plowers 134.16 - 122.36 Guy Myers

In a showdown between the two early favorites out of the West, the Boob Plowers once again made their opponent the Boob. Led by stellar QB play from Kyler and Kirk, the Boob Plowers showed Guy Myers just how he wanted his chest positioned, then went to town. For Team Guy Myers, the locker room is going to be uncomfortable for Jameis Winston this week. He rapes, but he saves, well this week he did neither (hopefully. Can't definitively confirm the former). Guy had a huge game from the Defense this week, but dread it, run from it, the Plow arrives all the same. Guy Myers will return to the drawing board for next weeks strategy (the drawing board is just looking at shirtless Matty Ice pics).

Jtopia FC 94.92 - 115.02 Motor City Raw Dogs

Jtopia is in full-on rebuild mode after back to back dissapointments, the MC Raw Dogs did not have their best day, but Jtopia was never a threat in this one. aside from some decent performances from his RB1 and WR1, it was stinkers across the board. I mean honestly, who the hell is Cole Kmet? That's not a real name. Jared had some questionable personnel moves, including sitting Ezekiel Elliot and Deebo Samuel, but ultimately I think he knew that if there was any week to mess around, it was this week vs. Jtopia, not every opponent is just going to be a free win. The commish is down bad right now, will be looking for answers as he continues to try to salvage the season.

BOOF’s Beef Boys 125.72 - 93.52 Pup N Suds

After a catastropic Week 1 performance, the Big Beefy Boys right the ship and take a decisive victory, partially thanks to the Monstars giving Aaron Rodgers his powers back. Conversely, AJ Brown seems to have forgotten to catch the football and headlines a dissappointing performance from the Pups. Despite a breakout performance from Tyler Lockett, the Suds were primarily hindered by underwhelming Quarterback play. Even in a shootout, Ryan Tannehill primarily played the role of 'Give Ball Derrick', and fails to put up convincing numbers. Pup N Suds will look to get back on track next week against a tough Motor City Raw Dogs squad.

The DOMS Report - A Mingus Production

Week 2 of the NFL was racked with another series of injuries. Here is a recap of the boo boos sustained by the NFL’s biggest losers.

• Carson Wentz is dealing with injuries to both ankles and is questionable going forward (Does a bear shit in the woods?)

• Jarvis Landry and Baker Mayfield sustained injuries that leave them questionable going forward. After pulling a 127 hours move to the shoulder, Baker returned to the game and finished to get the Browns their first win of the season.

• Tua Tagovailoa suffered a rib injury and was taken out of the game. More information should be available going forward on how serious the injury was. Maybe the Dolphins should consider getting Tua some Mass Gainer to put some more bulk on those bones. It’s bulking season brother and he is in desperate need of more poundage.

• Tyrod Taylor sustained a hamstring injury and looks to be out of the lineup for Thursday. Maybe Cam Newton can put down the feather hat, monocle, and ascot and save the desperate Texans from a no QB hell.

• TJ Watt sustained a groin injury and his status going forward is unsure. He did not return to the game during week 2. He was seen doing south oopsie stretches with Mike Tomlin that got a little out of hand, and hopefully soon we will know the extent of the damage around the oopsie horizon.

• The 49ers lost Trey Sermon, Elijah Mitchell, and JaMycal Hasty from their backfield during week two. Rb injuries are a plague and hopefully do not continue to spread, quoth the Raven nevermore.

• Dalvin Cook suffered through an ankle strain during Week 2, but completed the game regardless of the pain. Even though he gave us his very best , we were not able to say to him “ Dalvin…… you’re in the end zone.”

Connor's Meme of the week