LEAGUE STANDINGS

This Week in the NFL and the World: Happy Wednesday to all the certified hunks and hunkettes of the Kolkata Fantasy League. I wanted to start by apologizing for the lack of report last week. I was going to do it, but due to extenuating circumstances, I didn't feel like it. With that out of the way, lets get into the action. This week was full of topsy turvy games, comebacks, and blown leads (kid named lead). The Packers were humiliated at home by the previously inept Falcons, the Cowboys continue to chart unknown territory in all the worst ways, the Commanders upset the Seahawks at home, and Drake Maye upset everyone. 

If you want the TikTok summary of this week's report, there's a video below you may find helpful.

Game Results

JTOPia football club 75.84 - 104.82 ray finkle's Revenge

This one was chippy early. Jay may have etched himself in the anals of Kolkata lore with some vile trash talk in the group chat early last week. I can't repeat what was said in a public forum, but he did bring race into it. Among other atrocities, Jay also referred to Chad as a "free win", which was simply uncalled for. Well Chad's response is up there with Tim Tebow's speech as one of the most inspirational moments in Football. He didn't bitch and moan, or cry into his pillow like Boof would have. Instead he gathered the troops and delivered a good ol' fashioned ass whoopin. It did help that Jay somehow managed to score less points than Luke, who's team spent the majority of Sunday in the blue medical tent. Jay went with a Running Back in his Superflex spot, and a Fumbling Back in his Running Back spot, so there was some definite mismanagement there. Despite starting off the week feeling the cheesiest with a whopping -6 points from the Packers Defense, Chad turned things around with a solid contribution from his Quarterbacks and Sunshine himself, George Kittle. We will continue to pray for Jay's downfall in the coming weeks, although maybe not too much because he can end the league with the press of a button.

Team Pup n Suds 130.3 - 115.8 HARD knockers

Pup, Suds, Knockers, throw all these together and you got quite the car wash on your hands! Speaking of washed, Hunter Henry is still in the league, and proved that maybe we should add "Youthful" along with the current "Big" and "White" qualifiers for the Tight End position. Shannon actually had some great production from the WR room, and the QB combo of "Hooked on" Bo Nix, along with known good person Deshaun Watson, but sadly, it wasn't enough to overcome the pristine pooches. Connor's squad continues to benefit from the stack he has going with JSN and whoever happens to be throwing the ball in his direction. This week it was the Darnold, last week it was Lock (nicknamed by Puka Nakua as "The Covetous Drew"), who knows who it will be next week. Smith-Njigba's start to the season has been remarkable thus far, and he's going to find himself in the record books (hopefully free of typos) in the future if he keeps it up. Brock Purdy also had himself a day, as the 9ers eeked out a win in Arizona, and Connor also has Tre Tucker, who for some reason in dark mode on my computer, appears as the Ghost of Christmas Past. (See below)

MYers man's men 124.92 - 129.58 booya's ornery melonheads

Carter's week started out on a high note, as the Dirty Birds went into Lambeau and humiliated the Packers. Stephen I think also enjoyed seeing the Broncos win this week, as he seems to root for them when it's convenient. Going into Monday Night, it looked like a foregone conclusion for Carter. He just needed 16 points from Fantasy stud Jalen Hurts, and the Eagles Defense going up against a Bears team who just lost their starting QB. Carter would go on to lose his matchup, his sleep schedule, and his sanity, as the Eagles couldn't get anything done at Soldier Field. He DID Flex a second TE into his lineup this week, but it's okay, because Tight End is a notably deep position and it's not like he had a WR drop 20 points on his bench. The Melonheads benefited heavily from the return of Brock Bowers, who proved he is a Tight End in title only, and continues to function as the Raiders top receiving threat. Juwan Johnson also went crazy on the bench, so Stephen has some real depth at the position. I bet Carter would kill to have one of those guys! 

Slave 2 cow boy 107.4 - 116.42 Boof's Big beefy boys 

The NFL really tried to get whole new country invested in American Football and thought, "Yeah, lets send the Cowboys to Rio!"

Well despite having a brazilian opportunities to win or at least push the game to overtime, Dallas managed to gift a scoring drive to the Ravens in 7 seconds, which is simply unheard of. Despite the humiliating loss, DumbP's Boys didn't treat him too terribly on the Fantasy gridiron, with most of them exceeding expectations a smidge. Most of Dakota's team did fairly well, but Josh Allen had an "off" game, meaning he didn't explode on a level akin to the re-ignition of a white dwarf star spiraling into runaway nuclear fusion. For the most part, Buford had a bit of an off week, with his QB's and receivers putting up some, frankly, hot turds. But where they faltered, the Beefy Boys' stable of RB's excelled. Derrick Henry and Gahmyr Jibbs both had superb outings, with the latter detonating for a near-40 bomb. Gibbs has been worth the price of admission thus far, and managed to win this duel of the fates between Top-2 Fantasy draft picks. Dakota will look to bounce back next week against the Melonheads, as they brawl for the title of last place in the East. 

Duck Luck's Unlucky Ducks 85.72 - 101.76 los angeles rams

The Lucky Ducks had suck bad luck this week, it's hard to laugh because just kidding it's pretty easy to laugh because LOL that sucks. A.J. "Laws" Brown was feeling lonely on IR but he should have some friends soon if Luke's injury luck continues. Justin Jefferson suffered a sprain early in the Vikings game, and Mike Evans faced his biggest adversary, Father Time. Perhaps the worst injury news of the week for the Ducks was that Drake Maye DIDN'T get injured, because good god he looked like hot brown rain, personified. Josh West lucked out this week, and his performance reeks of "Do nothing; Win". Josh had the lowest scoring output of any winning team this week, and was largely carried by his defense this week. Fun fact, there was a defense in every matchup this week that scored zero or less points! Is this indicative of a trend toward more offensive value in fantasy? Do we just suck at picking defenses? Idk! But we do have enough members here for a Corum, and we can all agree Blake sucks ass. As the lone starting Ram on Josh's team, I think we can agree that he should change his name because this one doesn't really make sense any more. Maybe make it something funny about like, Spectral Readings, or how Chef Boyardee is actually the ghost of Wayne Brady, or some other conspiracy shit.

Team Mingus Blues Boys 94.02 - 113.04 Chafey's Tender Fellas

Mingus had a rough week from the Quarterback position as Cam Ward and Jordan Love left much to be desired, but Carson was forced to plug in these QB's as injury replacements for... wait never mind, that just, who he's got. Woof. Just an unfortunate week for the Mingus Boys as everyone did kinda okay, but not up to their projections, but there was some unexpected standouts on the bench. Chafey's Fellas found themselves in a similar boat, but a timely resurgence from Drake London had Zanna throwing Carson's dead body in the River Thames this week. Another notable standout has been Tyler Shough, for whom I am about to personally pay for conversion therapy but it's like for when your name is just straight up spelled wrong. Shuck has been surprisingly consistent to start the season, and has kept the Tender Fellas afloat while Nacua takes time off to decide what minority he'll target with his next celebration. Chafey will look to keep things going against career Fantasy Commisioner and r/AntiWork moderator Jay, as Carson will hope to bounce back against the Pupulous and Sudacious Connor Merry. 

Connor's Meme of the week

Have a great week everyone!