LEAGUE STANDINGS

This Week in the NFL and the World: What a wonderful return to the gridiron. McVay thought he could out-coach REM Cycles, and totally kanga-ruined the Rams opener down undah. The Saints proved that that a fumble only counts if intent to fumble is proven in a court of law. The Packers dominated the Vikings for the whole 3 quarters. The third plane actually landed in the field where the Bears and Panthers practice defense. And the Titans paid homage to Dolly the way they were Parton the sea for Breece Hall (joke in progress, come back later).

Football's back! Let's see how our favorite managers did this week.

Game Results

Ray Finkle's Revenge 68.34 - 102.06 Chafey's Tender Fellas

With this being Chad's inaugural matchup in the Kolkata Fantasy League, he hoped to make a big splash. Unfortunately, what he got was more of a dribble, like a faucet that you leave on when you don't want the pipes to freeze. Trevor Lawrence started out with a scorching 3TDs in the first half. I don't think I've mentioned this before, but Trevor Lawrence looks remarkably similar to my nephew Landon, who is starting a new job in Nevada this week. Give him your best! Outside of the QB position, the Finkle's struggled to get any contribution from their skill positions, with not a single player cracking double digits. Malik Nabers was closest to breaking that mark, and with his first game back from an ACL injury in the bag, will surely increase his production as the season moves on. For the Tender Fellas, the only real advantage came from his Big White, as Trey McBride continued cosplaying as WR1 in the Cardinals offense. Just a reminder, Carter lamabasted this pick during the draft, and verbally harassed Chafey for hours. Brock Bowers was seen inconsolable in his hospital bed, dreaming of one day joining the Tender Fellas, with tears and Finasteride running down his north cheeks. 

Duck Luck's Lucky Ducks 146.96.26 - 110.2 Bo0ya's Ornery Melonheads

What a treat. Week 1 and we are already blessed with this year's very first Brother Bowl. Gotta love watching two studs from the same spunk duke it out. The Lucky Ducks always have the Ornery Melonheads circled on their schedule, and similarly, the Melonheads have this matchup ovaled on their schedule as well. Like they circled it, but it's more of an oval, melon shape. God, this joke sucks.

The Lucky Ducks started the week on Wednesday, and could only watch in dismaye while The Big Schedule himself threw 3 back-breaking interceptions, including a game-loser in the Pat's season opener. The field leveled a bit on Thursday, as Christian McCaffrey may have looked 'Cracker' but his respectable on-field performance only amounted to 11 points. The floodgates opened on Sunday when Duck Luke had two performers in the Bears-Panthers game, where the stingiest defense of the day was a 4MPH North by Northwesterly breeze. Chuba and Swift combined for almost 55 points in that track meet, and the icing on the cake was Justin Jefferson's 2 tuddies, despite playing with the 134th and 135th quarterbacks of his adolescent career. There were bright spots on the Melonheads, as Christian Watson exploded for 30 points himself, and DJ Moore had a decent outing as well. Parker Washington also had himself a day despite being on the bench, including a gnarly TD grab in the first quarter. The Melonheads have some intriguing prospects in the Wide Receiver room, it will be intriguing to see how they're managed. Unfortunately, this is the only Brother Bowl on the schedule this year unless the stars align in the playoffs, so Booya doesn't have any other matchups ovaled on his calendar.

Hard knockers 115.84 - 118.58 Team MingusBluesBoys

This was by far our closest matchup of the week, and the only clash going strong into Monday night. Carson's Team got off to a tremendous start, with St. Brown, Jordan Love, and Chase Brown all delivering respectable showings. But the star of the day was Raiders Sophomore RB Ashton Denim Shirt, who demolished the Dolphins with 147 All-Poirpose Yards and 2 TD's. Despite the solid start, Colston Loveland shockingly put up a goose egg in a game where his team scored 59(!!!) points. This left the door open, which is a dangerous prospect with some Hard Knockers on the other side. Well sure enough, the Knockers had a massive Sunday night, with Dart, Javonte Williams, and Isaiah Likely all putting up huge stats. Shannon's squad was a bee's dick away from a 1-0 start, but still needed a measely 8.5 points from Bo Nix. Well if you think that's a foregone conclusion, then you don't know Bo. The Denver QB scored a TD early in the game, and then proceeded to put on one of the most aggressively pedestrian performances we've ever seen. Beta Bo would end the game with a paltry 5.4 points, leaving the Hard Knockers just shy of victory.

Slave 2 cow boy 99.52 - 144.12 Myers Man's Men 

DumbP walked into this week wide eyed and bushy tailed, eager at the opportunity to share a new common interest in the joys of fantasy football, and watch his hometown heroes in the process. He pulled up a chair at the proverbial table, Carter leaned over with that shit-eating grin we all know and hate, and whispered: "Welcome to Hell". The Myers Man's Men would proceed to drop trow and eviscerate Dakota's poor boys in humiliating fashion. Bijan "Despite the Loss" Robinson had a monster day, and was basically the only person on the Falcons with a pulse. Zay Flowers averaged 30 yards a reception. The rest of Carter's team all had supplementary roles but there was not a stinker to be seen across his whole lineup. As for Slave 2 Cow Boy, the points just weren't there. In his first media appearance after the loss, Dakota simply uttered "I saw the face of Kyle Pitts and it was weeping". Analysts are speculating that Coach Wilson may not have reviewed the player images before locking in the "Big White" position in his lineup. The real nail in the coffin is that when you choose to live or die by the Cowboys, you choose to die. Dak had a disappointing showing, George Pickens was invisible, and the Cowboys Defense was neither a rock nor a hard place. Better days are ahead for our very own Slave 2 Cow Boy, this was a week to forget.

Team Pup N Suds 94.52 - 144.62 Jtopia Football Club 

It's not a secret, Connor has not had great luck with Quarterback health. Many have started to evaluate the causation v. correlation of it all. Darnold had previously been sidelined in practice on Tuesday of last week, due to night terrors coinciding with our draft night. Despite all the warning signs, the Seahawks carelessly allowed him to start in their opener, and less than 3 minutes into the game, they have to bring out a broom and dustpan to sweep up the remaining crumbs of his hip bone. Thankfully the injury seems to be less serious than initially anticipated, but the week was over as quickly as it started for the Pup N Suds. Despite the worst-case start to the year for Connor's squad, there's a lot to be excited about. Former Buckeyes Chris Olave and JSN both put up fantastic scorelines, and Saquon is bound to bounce back after a disappointing opener. Jay's defensive strategy of "Start the team that's playing the Falcons" ended up being a winning move, and Lamar Jackson continues to do Lamar things in his 9th year for the Ravens. The JFC was looking competent heading into Monday Night, but the real question would be if Kenneth Walker Walker Walker could have success in the Chiefs system. Well it turns out the Chiefs system is "Give the ball to this guy every time" and good grief, that seemed to work just swimmingly. If this is a sign of things to come, Jay's squad will be a force to be reckoned with this year.

Los angeles Rams 60.62 - 191.42 boof's big beefy boys 

Dear god. What have we done. How is this allowed. I'm not even going to focus on Josh's jaw-droppingly low score because the jokes practically write themselves. Just kidding, I am going to focus primarily on that because it brings me great joy. Kyler Murray took the field for his Vikings debut, immediately threw an interception, and then got concussed to do us all a favor. Ja'Marr Chase farted on Burrow's pillow at the sleepover and was ostracized accordingly. J.K. Dobbins name simply sounds like two Harry Potter words put together, and he will likely be playing for the Cho Chang Tigers next year. The Broncos Defense looked like a gathering of MXC contestants challenged to tackle... well, a football player. Matthew Stafford took a 16-hour flight to deliver a performance that could have been an email. Rough week for Josh West and his Rams. Conversely, Boof has somehow been permitted to assemble a lineup stronger than God. There are 8 possible combos where Boof could have put just 2 players in his lineup and still won. I don't want to downplay Boof's dominant performance but there's not much I can say about how well his team did. Gibbs looked like the #1 pick and then some, King Henry just simply refuses to die, and Caleb Williams is the Bears' first truly great QB in 700 years. Let's hope this week is an anomaly, because Boof's team looks downright terrifying.