LEAGUE STANDINGS

This Week in the NFL and the World: The Dolphins knock off America's Team, the Bills, in shocking fashion, highlighted by the illustrious 'Butt Punt'. The Lions look good but continue to Lion. The Colts take down the Chiefs one week after being shutout by the Jags. The Packers down the Bucs, in a game where many Surface Tablets surely met their fate, and Cooper Rush is better than Dak Prescott. Myles Garrett flipped his Porsche 27 times because "there was a deer" and was not "going 117 miles per hour", but seems relatively unharmed. The deer reportedly was out for vengeance after hearing about Garrett's infamous attack on Rudolph.

Game Results

Bo0ya's ornery melonheads 83.4 - 75.9 Team Mingusbluesboys

The Toilet Bowl between the Melonheads and the Blues Boys featured the two lowest scoring teams of the week. For the Melonheads, the Wide Receivers did all of the heavy lifting, and it took all 3 of their running backs to match the score of Christian Kirk alone. It didn't help that David Montgomery was subbed out in the first quarter because he had a tummy ache. For Carsbob and the Blues Boys, Rashod ended up being a "bait man" and put up a decidedly stinky game, while Logan Thomas sat in the corner and ate glue. The two highest scorers for the Blues Boys were Aaron Rodgers and DK Metcalf, who were both on the bench, which is typically not a winning strategy. Carson has made the controversial decision to go all in on the Washington Commanders offense, which could be a solid play if Carson Wentz dies and they acquire Patrick Mahomes somehow. Until then, Carson managed to put up the second lowest score of the season, only second to his performance in Week 1. Bo0ya, on the other had, would really like to see some more points on the board from his ornery fellas. He has won the last two weeks despite being in the bottom 3 of points scored, which is not sustainable, and would have probably already had Reno calling for a mutiny by now.

Myers Man's Men 118.32 - 126.02 Staten Island Jokers

The Man's Men, led by another stellar performance from Lamar Jackson, had a chance in this one. Joey B and AJ Brown had great games and other role players contributed decent outings as well. However the Tight End and Defense slots left Carter wanting just a bit more. This might sound like the pot calling the Kittle black, but 5 points from one of the top TE's in the league is not going to cut it. The Chargers Defense could have walked out on the field and forfeited on the first play, and the Myers Men would have been better off for it, but they tried to hang with the Jags and looked like me on Monday morning out there. For the Jokers, Jalen Hurts continues to impress in his third season, he's QB3 on the year, and put up 27 points despite rushing for the fewest amount of yards in his career. Chubb has been running at full mast for a few weeks now, and has been gashing the opposition on the ground. Kelce continues to be just about as reliable and impressive as ever, at a position where many people are stuck with question marks and dookie-layers. All in all, there wasn't really any crazy breakout performances for the Staten Island squad, but there was no goose eggs or bad games, which secured the win.

Boob plowers 114.64 - 98.38 Jtopia Football Club

The story of the week for this matchup was the defenses. The two teams were nearly in a deadlock as Monday Night loomed, with only their respective Defenses left to duke it out. The Giants Defense thought they were playing golf, however, and did get a birdie, but that's not really what we're looking for in this sport. Advantage Boob Plowers. For the first time this season, Jay correctly picked the right Jacksonville running back to start, and was rewarded for it, while Josh Allen also scored handsomely despite the loss in Miami, but didn't get a breakout performance needed clean up the skid mark his defense left in their trousers this week. For the Boob Plowers, DeVonta Smith was the star of the show, reeling in a touchdown and almost 170 yards on 12 targets. Outside of his big game, no one else really had a huge game, but everyone except Waller scored double-digits, which was enough to secure the victory. Jtopia comes up just short, and is the first to receive Luke's chest dressing this season.

Motor City Raw Dogs 93.94 - 148.68 Boof's Big Beefy Boys

The Raw Dogs pulled out some very ballsy moves this week. He was the first this season to not start a QB in the Superflex spot, and not only did he play a Running Back, but he played BOTH running backs for the Cowboys. And honestly, it worked out pretty well. Unfortunately, he met the wrath of Boof in a week where the Beefy Boys had 4 players score over 20 points, and surprisingly, the only real dud was Justin Jefferson, who will be doing the griddy all the way to the bench if he keeps this up. Trevor Lawrence has increased his Passing TD's by 1 every game, which led to his stellar 3TD performance this week, and is going to be a real problem later in the season when he's scoring 10+ TD's every week. Boof has been documented saying "The prime football age is like, 16", but Cordarrelle Patterson keeps proving that age is just a number, and is cementing himself as the Benjamin Button of the NFL.

Chafey's Buff Boys 87.74 - 98.7 Pup n Suds

Putting this matchup at the bottom in hopes that nobody will read this far down, the Buff Boys looked malnourished and haggard, while the Pup N Suds... also didn't look that amazing, but better than Chafey's squad, especially in a league-wide low scoring week. After these two duked it out over Garrett Wilson on waivers this week, Connor spat in the face of Chafey by not even playing him, and to make matters even worse, the Pup N Suds highest scorer was the BACKUP for De'Andre "touch the ball 3 times a game" Swift, who is now out for 2 weeks after stubbing his toe on the Gatorade cooler on the sideline. The good news for the Pup N Suds is that King Henry returned to form in a big way this week, using all 3 of his legs to trample over the Raiders. The good news for the Buff Boys is that the new season of the Masked Singer is coming soon, so he will have something to watch that doesn't bring him pain.

THE DOMS REPORT - By CARSON WARREN

• David Montgomery suffered a knee/ankle injury and did not see the field again in the Bears Titanic Clash against the Texans. Not to worry though, the Bears have begun talks with Rex Grossman to come back to Chicago and bring this offense back to life. Some reporters have even stated hearing that Darnell Mooney has decided he will no longer sleep under a weighted blanket since it seems he cannot get up in the morning on Sundays.

• Tua Suffered a few injuries including a potential violation of concussion protocol. It should be interesting to monitor his condition going forward. Tua states that he saw a vision of Russell Wilson telling him to try his new “Dangerwich” sandwich from Subway and he knew that he must be suffering from some potentially serious brain damage.

• Mac Jones has suffered a serious high ankle sprain and should miss significant time. It may be time for the Patriots to go out and find a replacement since their only option is a quarterback that looks old enough to be Mac Jones’ grandpa. Maybe they could go and see if Gardner Minshew is still doing push-ups and shotgunning miller lite in his trailer outside of the Eagles Facility.

• Joey Bosa of the Chargers is suffering from a groin injury. It’s been reported he attempted to sack Trevor Lawrence but he tripped over what he described as “ that man’s Easter Island looking head.”

• Dalvin Cook injured his shoulder on Sunday and it seems like it's time to rely on Alexander Mattison once again. Dalvin was doing his best impersonation of Ezekiel Elliot munching on the cereal celebration, but turned his cereal munching shoulder too quickly and slipped his shoulder out of socket. Kirk Cousins will have to show us how much “we like that” if they plan to maintain competition in the stacked league.

• In a tough loss to the Cowboys, Giants wideout Sterling Shepherd tore his ACL while seemingly running in a straight line. Preliminary reports state that Dan Quinn tied some fishing line to the strap on his hat, snuck down to the field, tossed the hat across the field and committed Bryson DeChambeau on Shepherd’s Knee. If this report is proven true Dan Quinn’s signature backwards hat may face a 4-5 week suspension and a 100,00$ fine.

OVerwatch - A waiver Report from Josh West

Week 3 is in the bag. With 26 waiver wire additions, this week may be the highest volume of the year. Let’s look at some the crucial waiver wire pick-ups!

Garrett Wilson, WR

Team Pup n Suds wins Week 3’s contest for highest Free Agency Acquisition Budget (FAAB) with a $36 bid for the Jet’s rookie phenom. Chafey—unbelievably—also bid $36 but was lower in the waiver order as determined by our pantheon of gods, the marbles.

The Pup n Suds manager made the reasonable decision to sit the young rookie in lieu of the more seasoned veteran Brandon Cooks who accumulated a convincing 3 points. Wilson, confined to the bench, put up 9 points. Nonetheless, Pup n Suds needed no help as they were up against Chafey’s Buff Boys. Grade B+.

Amari Cooper, WR

Amari Cooper was the steal of the draft, and the hot drop of the week by reigning Kolkata League Champ, Boof. Now available in free agency, Cooper will go to the highest bidder. This is incredible, so prepare yourself…

Motor City Raw dogs WON the bid for the Alabama alumnus WR with a whomping $51! Unfortunately, he could not complete the move as his roster was at capacity. Grade F.

The Boob Plowers bid next highest for the Browns WR1 with $33 who ALSO sat their FAAB pick-up. With 19.6 points, Cooper outscored T. Locket and D. Adams. Regardless of this slight disrespect to the WR11 overall, the Boob Plowers did their best, reverse Takeru Kobayashi impression as they plowed their way past the Jtopia Football Club and bruised a few ribs on the way. Grade A.

Jamaal Williams, RB

Pup n Suds did not spend a penny out of their FAAB the first 2 weeks but spent a league high (and week high) $58 this week! With a $22 offer, they picked up RB7 overall, Jamaal Williams. There seems to be a common theme this week of pick-ups being benched and outscoring the starters. The HBO star put up 23.7 points on the bench trying to prove a point to the Pup n Suds manager who apparently, has not seen the emotional preseason speech in Hard Knocks. This pickup gets this week’s PICK OF THE WEEK as the D’Andre Swift suffered a shoulder injury. Grade A+.

Jahan Dotson, WR

Myers Man’s Man managed to muster up $17 to win this bid. The high-flying Washington Commander’s offense appeared unstoppable Week 2 against the Lions with 15.9 points, and Dotson looked to be a breakout young gun—then he remembered that Carson Wentz was his QB and only managed 2.0 points from the bench. The Mad Men put up a strong fight but fell to the powerhouse Jokers from Staten Island to no one’s surprise.

Jimmy Garoppolo, QB

After Trey Lance went down with a nasty ankle injury, handsome Jimmy G became a person of interest for teams that picked Kirk Cousins as QB1. Boof’s Big Beefy Boys picked up the 49ers QB with a smart bid of $16, outbidding 6 other bidders. Here’s an excerpt from the news about the handsome I-talian (eye-talian, like the grandparents say it):

Jimmy G's favorite food is sausage, and he's serious about his obsession.

Every single week during the season, he sends a home video to the team food coordinator, telling them what he wants to eat for dinner every single night.

Even last week's quarterback Tom Brady was impressed, describing it as "sausage with egg and cheese and sausage and cheese and some other ingredients."

And Jimmy G wasn't stopping with just food.

Even before he became the number one overall pick in the NFL Draft, one of Jimmy G's biggest fans was his aunt.

She believed in him so much that she wrote the initials JG on all his t-shirts and jerseys.

When he became the number one overall pick, she made him a gold necklace that hung around his neck.

His first jersey that he wore in a 49ers uniform was covered with JG's initials.

The next year, he got a 100 jersey with the same numbers, and his aunt made him another necklace.

Then one day, his aunt showed up to practice in shorts, and she had ripped out all the letters from her nephew’s t-shirts, and she was wearing nothing but a pair of underpants.

Jimmy G said, "I love you, Auntie."

The person in charge of the scoreboard at Levi's Stadium is a 76 - year - old Italian woman named Roberta Luzzi… (continue reading at ninersnation.com)

There were lots of other bids this week, but we have covered all the double digit FAAB acquisitions. In all earnestness, if anyone is unhappy about not being featured in this section, please do reach out on the lol kk k kk Kolkata k. I'll k. I'll kkkkłpk. K. K k k k. K kkkkkkkkkkklllllllllklllklkkkkkkkllkokllkllllklllllł llolklk llolklkklkkkkkkkkk k k. K kkkkkkkkkkkk. L. Llama Lllklkklkkkkkkkkkkkkk

hotline.

The link to this week's full Waiver Report Table can be found HERE

Connor's Meme of the week