LEAGUE STANDINGS

This Week in NFL/History: Former Jeapordy! host Aaron Rodgers leads a 4th quarter comeback against the 49ers, Matt Stafford continues to absolutely hang dong on NFL defenses in LA, the Bears put up 1 (one) passing yard against the Browns, and Justin 'Walrus Kick' Tucker breaks the ALL-TIME record for longest kick in NFL history, with a miraculous 66-yarder that doinks in off the crossbeam. An Amtrak train tried to cosplay as Jay's season by derailing in Montana. Covid is still a thing

Game Results

Jtopia FC 112.76 - 126.76 Chafey's Buff Boys

THE TOILET BOWL - This week's featured game is a collision of a moveable force vs. a stoppable object, as the only two winless teams in the league collide in a battle of true mediocrity. These other teams all have their fancy high scoring teams, but Jtopia and Chafey really appreciate a good defensive contest. That flashy BS isn't real football, a low scoring brawl, now thats fucking football right there. None of that pansy ass dick tugging smile for the camera bullshit. Men puke, men poop on the field, men deliver their new born baby on the side lines. Fucking hard core dick in the ass butterball foosball fuck it chuck it game time shit. Take it to the showers. Dicks get shoved in places you don’t even remember. We win together we celebrate together. Football is back baby.

The battle for winlessness was fairly tight heading into Monday Night, with JFC holding a slight lead, and the Buff Boys relying on a respectable performance from Dak and CeeDee. Jay threatened to drive to Dallas and do a Tonya Harding on the Buff Boys, but had too much lawyering to do at work and could not make it in time. There was, however, some doubt in the beginning as Dak fumbled in his own endzone, but in the end, the Cowboy stack did enough to put Jay in the dirt and send him to 0-3. Where does Jtopia go from here? Probably not the playoffs, as IBS Winston gives him just a 5% chance of making it to the postseason. Chafey on the other hand has a clear path to the playoffs, with IBM awarding a 120% chance to win the league, saying "beep boop, this is the best team I have ever seen".

Motor City Raw Dogs 123.56 - 87.02 Pup n Suds

After a stalemate toward the end of the early games, the Raw Dogs blew the doors off this one with a blockbuster performance from Matt Stafford and Ezekiel Elliot. Despite a breakout performance from the Brown's D, the skill players on Pup n Suds were completely MIA this week. The Raw Dogs are looking good after 3 weeks, and remain on top of the East. These Dawgs have woofed their way through opponents, and right into our hearts. As for Cmerry's squad, they are going to need a healthy dose of Suds to wash this loss off heading into next week.

Boob Plowers 147.36 - 108.18 Tim Teboner!!

These Boobs were meant for plowing, and that's just what they'll do, as the Boob Plowers continue to make their opponents look like a well endowed bosom. (Are the boobs doing the plowing? Or is the other team the boob that gets plowed? Will need to get confirmation from the manager on this next week.) Tim Teboner loses his second in a row after looking formidable in Week 1, and unlike last week, it wasn't particularly close. The Plowers rode on the Vikings offense, led by Kirk 'I'll do my own research' Cousins and the rest of the SKOL squad, with a particularly heartless move stealing Jay's Dalvin handcuff. The Boob Plowers are 3-0 with most points overall, and are looking like the team to beat so far. Tim Teboner may have to make more than one transaction to regain some footing.

BOOF’s Beef Boys 102.04 - 113.78 Guy Myers

"We will win, and we will win, and we will win" proclaimed Carter after a bigly win over the Beefy Boys this week. Team Guy Myers gets the W but unfortunately now Carter is a radicalized subscriber to THE_DARNOLD. Rightfully so, as the USC alum led all scoring in this contest, and made up for some WR duds on team Myers. Boof's Beefy Boys could almost see the victory coming into focus, as his Rodgers/Adams stack started to make things interesting toward the end. Unfortunately, it wasn't quite enough, and Boof will have to stare at James Robinson on his bench, wondering what could have been.

MingusBluesBoys 138.34 - 149.42 Staten Island Jokers

The Jokers out of Staten Island drop an absolute bomb, achieving the highest score of the week. How did this come to be? ♫ Mike Will Made It ♫ After living in Keenan Allen's shadow for years, Mike Williams has proven to be Pervy Herby's target of choice, and has exploded to WR2 overall so far this season. Tom Brady continues his deal with the devil and De'Andre Swiftly put things to bed in this explosive matchup. It's is unfortunate that Mingus had to catch Josh this week, as he put up the 3rd highest score this week, but is still rewarded with a tick in the L column. Josh Allen tried to put the team on his back doe', yet came up short in the end. The record does not accurately reflect the strength of this team, as they'll continue to wreak havoc in the West.

The DOMS Report - A Mingus Production

“Bing, Bang, Boom, Bop, Bap.” As John Madden always said “Injuries Suck My Ass 3000.” Here is a recap of week 3’s biggest losers.

• Carson Wentz is still hurt so there’s that. I'm just going to leave him at the top of the list until something else changes. Maybe he’ll pull an Andrew Luck and have the Final Injury soon who knows.

• Odell Beckam Jr. returned to the field and it's good to see those ramen noodles flopping on the field once more. He should be helpful with the Browns still Missing Jarvis Landry .

• Khalil Mack seems to have suffered a fairly serious foot injury. He returned to the game, but it will be important to keep an eye out to see if the injury costs him any playing time. Maybe when his foot gets fixed we can call him “Mack 2 babbbby.”

• The Buccaneers lost another corner to injury this week, Jamel Dean. The already decimated secondary took another blow with this injury, but just today reports are that the Bucs have signed Richard Sherman to help stem the bleeding. I also heard that Ryan Gosling from Remember the Titans is a free agent and his dad said “He’s a real player, he's a star, and he’ll bust his butt for you.” He also said other things but they cannot be repeated here in this official publication.

• The Titans Lost A.J. Brown to a hamstring injury. It is not certain how long he will be out, but he did not return to the game and even took his pads and uniform off. It was reported he was watching season 3 of the Office on the sideline. He has been quoted saying “I think I’ll return to the field once Jim and Pam figure this shit out. Until then, I’m gonna be watching on my Nintendo 3DS and eating French Onion Dip. “ We reached out to coach Mike Vrabel but he has submitted no comment on the matter.

• The Giants lost their top two receivers, Sterling Shephard and Darius Slayton, in the same game during week 3. With all of these teams losing multiple players at the same position you have to wonder, what is their itemization like? Looking like everybody is buying stupid items like assault cuirass and black king bar when we all know that the 3 heart strategy will help avoid some of these costly injuries. (In this analogy, Derrick Henry is Bristleback. )

Waiver Warden - Josh West's GM Moves of the week

This week’s waiver report recruited 8 new players into lineups. Last week also had 8 transactions with the week before having 9.

Team Pup n Suds had 1st priority and snatched up Chubby Hubby - replacement RB for Carter’s prizefighting back Christian McCaffrey who is out for week 4 but not on injured reserve. Hubbard recorded 9 points last week and the Pups n Suds could really use an injection from the RB position with J. Taylor underperforming for the last 2 weeks. Maybe the most notable waiver pickup this week was Connor adding Peyton Barber to his team. Barber’s 21.7 points off of 23 rushing attempts helped the Raiders overcome the dolphins in OT. When will Josh Jacob’s wake up from sleeping in his car? Can Barber prove himself as an RB 1 against the Chargers in an AFC West division matchup in LA?

With 2nd priority, Jay FC picked up Carter’s cousin: Jakobi Meyers. It may only by 3 weeks into the 17, but Jaytopia really is desperate for anything this week and sources say, he has heard rumors of more action coming Meyers’ way. With Mack Jones’s average pass down field of 2 yards, it may be difficult to produce fantasy points in a 0.5 PPR league.

Up 3rd and 4th we have Chafey and Luke both swapping out defenses. Picking up the Titans and the bengals respectively, these two are looking to optimize their line ups for a few extra points. The boob plovers also just picked up the Cards defense off waiver last week just to drop them after a stellar 15 point performance. The Rams will likely beat their butts up this week, however.

Overall this week there were no top tier waiver pick ups to be competed over, but plenty of action that could effect outcomes this week in a tight race in both divisions.

Overall, we have Commissioner Jay leading the way with 17 transactions off the waiver this year! Followed closely by Chafey with 15, you can sense their desperation.

On the other end of the spectrum, we have Reno Teboners with 1 measly transaction through 3 weeks! Picking up Michael Pittman Jr. to bolster the WRs due to Jarvis Landry’s injury. Mingus sitting content with 3 transactions with Carter only making 4 despite losing McCaffrey and making zero moves this week in a close head to head matchup with Jared’s Raw Dogs.

Next week’s waiver order is as follows:

Reno

Jared

Carson

Carter

Boof

Jay

Luke

Connor

Zanna

Jest

Connor's Meme of the week