LEAGUE STANDINGS

This Week in the NFL and the World: It was a big week for Josh's all around the world. Josh McDaniels got fired as Raiders head coach after a putridly piss poor beginning to the season, the nail in the coffin being when Devante Adams dissed him at his in-home Taco Bell while media was present. Josh Dobbs got traded to the Vikings, and immediately led a stunning comeback against the Arthur Smith "led" Falcons. Josh West has been fasting for 4 days now, and is probably triggered that I mentioned Taco Bell already. Josh Buford used his second cousins address and phone number to create an 8th new account in FanDuel for another shot at a free promo bet, and has mysteriously removed his betting history from his socials, claiming to start at 0-0 again this week. Josh Allen got cooked by Josh Burrow in a heavyweight AFC matchup, and Josh Peck drew headlines this week by stating that The Amanda Show is not canon in the Drake and Josh/iCarly/Sam & Cat universe. Peck also stated that he ships Josh and Megan and was hoping for more exploration of their step brother-sister relationship during the show's run. 

Game Results

Boof's Big Beefy Boys 105.48 - 92.78 Bo0ya's ornery Melonheads

Travis Kelce and Taylor Swift shared that they had tried a swinging or "sibling swap" situation to keep things fresh, where Taylor spent a night with Jason, and Travis spent a night with De'Andre. The extracurriculars are obviously proving to be a distraction for the Kansas City TE, as he put up his lowest point total of the season in a spot where Bo0ya really needed him to deliver. Unfortunately, the larger (but understandable) blunder was that Stephen chose the wrong Vikings QB and did not start the Melonhead himself, Josh Dobbs. Jaren Hall got the start in Atlanta, but was annoyed that every time he returned to the bench, Joshua Dobbs would be hunched over and asking "Please sir, can Dobby have one crumb of that sweet coochie" while gesturing toward the field. Eventually Hall got fed up and faked an injury, allowing the Dobb Goblin to take over. Melonheads other QB, Deshaun Watson, was praised after announcing a generous donation to humanitarian efforts in the Israeli conflict, only for the media to discover he had actually just spent an absurd amount of money at his favorite nightclub, "The Gaza Strip". The Beefy Boys benefitted from a superb performance from the Cleveland Defense, which makes sense considering the investment Cleveland has put into their Defense team for Watson. The Browns Defense scored a quarter of Boofs points, and helped him survive what was a pretty lackluster week for most of his players. Boof is unfortunately back to a winning record, and we can only hope for his own sake that he doesn't win, because if he does, we know exactly where that money is going.

Duck Luck's Lucky Ducks 103.6 - 125.72 Team Pup N Suds 

The whole "Always the groomsmen, never the bride" situation has plagued Pup N Suds this season, but was held at bay this week. Connor's team DID score the second most points of the week, but thankfully he was playing against Luke so there was never really any danger in the first place. The Suds benefitted from a monster game from Dalton Schultz, and Rhamondre Stevenson finally showed glimpses of his former self. Davante Adams continued to struggle in Las Vegas, but he is receiving passes from Milkmen at this point so it's not too surprising. Duck Luck has struggled so far this year, but Snickers still gives him a 1% chance to make the playoffs, so all is not lost. The Ducks started out the week in a rough spot, being forced to play a receiver in the Superflex spot, but all things considered, his team performed pretty well. Devonta Smith finally did literally anything, and Luke's RB tandem started to show what all the hype was about. But stinkers from Zack Moss and Chris Godwin ultimately brought the team down in the end, as they just could not keep up with the Pups firepower. Also Dallas Goedert broke his arm. That's okay though because the TE position is really easy to find productive replacements for. Luke's slide into despair will unfortunately continue as he tries to fine a new Tight End after losing his 7th straight matchup.

Myers Man's Men 81.14 - 90.72 Hard knockers for Carter

This one was a weird matchup for sure. The Defenses in this one combined for -1 point. Jared had FIVE starters on bye. Carter managed to snag one of the few times a year were someone gets sent to Taysom Hell. Jared started Gabe Davis who had 0 catches for 0 yards and 0TD's for 0 Points. And still, against all odds, the Hard Knockers emerge victorious. Carter has got to be kicking and screaming right now much like Will Ferrell in the hit family movie Kicking and Screaming. Justin Herbie was NOT fully loaded, and had an uncharacteristically tame day. Jaylen Waddle continues to live in Tyreek Hill's extremely small shadow, and had a nice day, but only because he scored 6.9 (of sex number fame). Bijan Robinson continues to pass the eye test, but he would probably perform better on a team coached by Arthur from the show Arthur, rather than Arthur from Smith. The Myers Men could only look on in horror as Rachaad White and Gus Bus danced all over his shallow grave. Despite pulling a reverse Connor by having the second-lowest score of the week, Jared and the Hard Knockers have to be very happy they were able to pull off a win given the disadvantages. 

Team MingusBluesBoys 114.42 - 99.88 Jtopia Football Club

Mingus vs Jay, Old blood vs New, top teams in both divisions, former roommates, both pretty tall guys. The storylines write themselves, and we got a clash that lived up to the hype. Mingus had a rocky start when George Pickens corralled 2 catches for negative 1 yard on Thursday Night. Pickens, who could have had an easy TD if he didn't take 18 foot strides like he's Wemby in the endzone, decided he wasn't getting enough attention, and promptly deleted all Steelers affiliation from his social media. Despite the rough start for the BluesBoys, they received a huge boost from Josh Jacobs (believe it or not, we have the same name) and the Raiders D against a floundering Giants team who is currently looking more like the New York Very Very Smalls. Jay was not going to go down without a fight, however, as Dak Prescott brought the heat against the Eagles, and racked up almost 30 points in a narrow loss. Dalton Kincaid also provided a nice bump, as he had the second highest score of the week among all Tight Ends named Dalton. Jay did have two starting Running Backs on bye, but was actually hurt the most by his receiver output, as Zay Flowers wilted against Seattle despite the Ravens scoring 37 points, and DK Metcalf put up a stinker on the other side of that drubbing. 

Staten Island Jokers 138.7 - 120.12 Chafey's Tender Fellas

In a rematch of the heated clash from weeks past, the Tedner Fellas matchup with the Jokers was always going to be a battle. Both teams wanted to lay it all on the line, battling not only for bragging rights, but also for Terri West's love and affection. The Fellas were gaslit into starting DeAndre Hopkins, who had a mayo explosion on the Tender bench last week, and naturally, he regressed to the mean once plugged back into the starting lineup. The story of the week for Chafey's squad had to be CJ Stroud, who erupted for 470 yards and 5 TD's for a grand total of 41 fantasy points. The Panthers GM remains adamant that Bryce Young was the right pick, and was seen kneeling over to pat him on the shoulder, re-assuring him that they chose the right midget for the job. For the Staten Island faithful, one thing that has always been a guarantee is solid QB play. Josh Allen and Jalen Hurts have each scored over 19 points in 15 out of 18 outings this year. The difference this week was that the Jokers' skill position players actually showed up. DVD Sheep has now gone over 100 yards in his last 3 games, and gone for 150+ in his last two. Adding in solid performances from Aaron Jones, Jake Fergalicious, and newcomer Tee Higgins, the Jokers simply had too much for the Tender Fellas to keep up. Josh is not the most proficient memer, so he doesn't know how to crop, but he did take the time to send me the picture below to relish his victory.

THE DOMS REPORT - By CARSON WARREN

Aaron Rodgers may be coming back with a Trolli worm as an achilles and Cam Akers is going to miss time for something other than his relationship with the coaching staff. Here are this week’s New York Giants. 

Daniel Jones- The inevitable has happened, Danny Dimes has fallen. Jones has a torn ACL and will miss the rest of the season. Honestly, this is probably best for his future health as playing the entire season would have caused a future CTE scan to look like the topographical map of the rocky mountains. The Giants O-Line is an embarrassment and DaBoll has let us know that he plans to start Danny Devito on Sunday. Rule #95, concentrate!

Cam Akers- Akers tore his achilles and is done for the rest of the Vikings season. The Vikings are getting shallacked by injury woes, but they are somehow winning games. The Vikings will rely on the Dobbfather to keep the winning streak and playoff hopes alive.

Dallas Goedert- Dallas Goedert broke his forearm in the win over the Cowboys. It has been reported that the instant he realized he was producing points for Duck Luck a low pitch frequency wave traveled through the air sapping his bones of the needed calcium to remain in one piece. 

Christian Watson- Watson suffered what seems to be an upper body injury as well as a potential concussion. Watson was a stud last year, but he cannot seem to stay healthy during his sophomore campaign. It doesn’t help that the man sending him the pigskin through the air has a name that sounds like a b-roll actor in an adult homoerotic work of fiction.

Connor's Meme of the week

Boof’s Best Bets™

Week 9

Boof’s Best(?) Bets

Crazy week in football this week! Quick highlights-

• Josh Dobbs arrived via spaceship minutes before kickoff and snatched a victory from Carter’s dirty birds in dramatic fashion (falcons were -4.5 or -5.5)

• CJ Stroud solidified himself as frontrunner for offensive rookie of the year with an insane 470 yard 5 TD performance but failed to cover -3 (more on this later)

• Scott Hanson had an all time redzone moment as he was calling both these games simultaneously and dobbs and baker both scrambled for a first down at almost the exact same time. Hanson is the best

• Dak Prescott had an amazing game but the entire Dallas team choked in the 4th and did not cover +3 as the Eagles were just giving the game away with terrible penalties and absolutely no pass defense. 

Sadly, I was correct about Oklahoma and boomer got sooned by a MAN in his FORTIES in the last bedlam for the foreseeable future. Ok State moneyline ✅ 

• Grizzlies are 1-0 in their last 1, shoutout Bismack Biyombo

Bad Beats

Houston (-3) had maybe the game of the year with the Stroud Boys storming back in a shootout to win with time expiring. However, their kicker (John Christian Kaʻiminoeauloamekaʻikeokekumupaʻa "Kaʻimi" Fairbairn or Kai Fairbairn for short) got hurt and they started going for 2 after every play. Eventually they had Dare Ogunbowale 

Dallas +3 should have easily covered but Dak stepped out on a 2 point conversion that looked clean live:

Dallas also had the ball first and goal with under a minute to go, but couldn’t kick a field goal because they were down 5 due to the failed 2 point try and absolutely made a mess of their final few plays to lose -5 and the Eagles covered -3. 

Trends & notable tidbits: 

The under is still dominating right now! Currently, the under points total for every NFL game is 83-52-1. Meaning, 62% of every game is hitting the under. Primetime game unders are 62-29 for the last 2 seasons! Why? Penalties against the offense, especially presnap, are up this year. Pace of play is down across the board. TONS of bad qbs and backup qbs. The best teams are led by strong defenses as opposed to overpowering offenses of the past 5-10 years. Those are a few theories, but we have had very few “shootouts” this year and we will see if that trend continues or we get some points. (I will go ahead and guarantee that we will not see that in this Thursday SHOWDOWN between Da Bears and the Panthers)

Boof’s Best Bet 23-22-1 🤮 (through week 8, update later this week)