LEAGUE STANDINGS

This Week in the NFL and the World: Boobs! Haha just joking, now that I have your attention, it's time to talk ball.

The Falcons gave the Niners their first loss of the season. There are no more undefeated teams left in the... Wait wtf Vikings??

The Buccaneers put up 43 points with 17 yards of Total Offense. Panthers? I hardly even know hers!

The Bengals put up 5 touchdowns in the 2nd Half, which is !̴̧̼͒(̷̢̮̞̐̆̒̽̿͐#̷̫̳͎̇̊̋͗̔̀*̷͈̤͇̹̽$̶̘̞̪́́̓̆̓͠@̴͚͓̯͖͍̺͂́͐̆̄̈́)̶̛̛͔͚̈́̏͋̏ times as many as they scored in the first!

The Seahawks Defense smothered the Chiefs, who were exposing their flaws and soliciting being totally shit on.

Game Results

Welcome to a new experimental feature within the Kolkata Fantasy League, the Weekly Glazing Special. This is the part of the broadcast where someone gets special treatment regardless of how they fared in the previous week. Be on the lookout for this weeks trivia question if you're hungry for validation! Although this segment is already forcing me to write nice things about Carter, so I'm not sure how long it will last.

Myers Man's Men 108.7 - 111.48 Mingus Blues Boys

After being forced to endure watching Cam Ward "play" football last week, Carter switched things up and got a major upgrade by plugging in Malik Willis (r/brandnewsentence). This move paid dividends, and is just one of the many displays of excellence we've seen in Carter's budding Fantasy Football career. Our sweet Carter, in a moment of transcendent brilliance, also played Zay Flowers, who racked up 137 yards and a touchdown this week. This guy knows how to pick 'em! I wish I could have been there to see Flowers catch that touchdown and watch Carter's doe-eyed face light up like a Christmas tree. He's got that smile that we all love. If he ever looks at me with that cheeky grin and those voluptuous lashes, it'll have me splattering him with so many ropes that he's going to need those tear-off visors that rally car drivers wear.

Carson can go on and on about how his team "scored more points" and "didn't even need CeeDee Lamb", but the real wins in life come from the moral victories like this one. Great work Carter! We all love you!

Ray Finkle's Revenge 107.94 - 102.56 Duck Luck's Lucky Ducks

Watch out ladies and gentlemen. After a rough start, Chad is on a 3 game win streak! That's nearly as long as the white streak in his pants after watching Tony Pollard score three touchdowns in the weekly scheduled Titans loss. Chad finally had some accountability this week and did NOT play Josh Downs, which turned out to be a smart move. We're also getting reports that water is wet. However there needs to be a serious discussion about Chad starting some fella named "Germie". I believe this is an AI generated football player. Speaking of AI, It looks sort of like AJ. And AJ brown can't catch the football anymore, which is bad for Luke's team. What's also bad for the Lucky Ducks is Sam LaPortaPottie dropping an upper decker on the turf at Ford Field. I've also fully exhausted my thesaurus for ways to say that the Titans are bad, and starting their Defense was certainly a choice. 

San Diego Super Soakers 110.7 - 129.84 Chafey's Tedner Fellers

After a Thursday Night miracle resulted in 20 points for Rhamondre Stevenson, including one of the most baffling end-of-half Touchdowns you'll ever see, Josh was riding high on the hog, and is the leading the league in Thursday Night victories. To his dismay, they actually play more games on Sunday and Monday, which is where the wheels really started to fall off for the Super Soakers. Josh was forced to make a late substitution at TE, so naturally he just threw a dart at a bunch of pictures of white guys on the Rams. Colby Parkinson did an amicable job replacing Tyler Warren (DNP - Pussy), but his lackluster scoring was one of many downfalls of the Spreaders. Chafey's Boys have catapulted up to #1 in the Snickers/IBS/Watson power rankings, which was frankly inevitable if you're familiar with the pedigree of the reigning champ. Our loveable expert coasted off of a mostly even spread attack of solid performances, outside of 92 year old Keenan Allen and the Houston "Defense". While the Super Spreaders are on a 4 game skid, they also have the most Points Against so far this year, and may be stronger than the record shows. We'll see if they can rebound in the later half of the season.

Bo0ya's Oval Morneryheads 82.02 - 137.52 Pup N Suds

The Melonheads boys only had a single player meet or exceed their projection this week, which is usually a recipe for a loss. Well Stephen took out his measuring cups and followed that recipe to a T, because that's exactly what happened. The one redeeming quality of this week is that the Melonheads can look to their bench and say they couldn't have done anything differently, because those guys were ass, too. The Pup N Suds, conversely, had just about everyone meeting or exceeding expectations, and also left some points on the board. Connor's Bench would have outscored Stephen's starting lineup this week. Hell, even his IR slot outperformed most of Bo0ya's Ornery guys. There was really no wrong decision for who to play this week for the Pups, and Connor's top to bottom score is concerning for many of the other teams in the league who are struggling with depth (definitely not me though, haha).

Trivia Time!  - Get in line for a glazing of your own!

Q: In which NFL Division can the teams be arranged in alphabetical order, by both their respective city/state and name?

Jtopia Football Club 66.14 - 102.48 Slave 2 Cow Boy

It was a rough one for Jay this week, despite the benefit of going up against DumbP on Josh Allen's bye week, the Football Team is dealing with some devastating injuries and Byes of their own, with Lamar, Jayden Daniels, and Breece Hall unavailable. And despite KC "Immaculate" Concepcion having a day on the bench, there's not really much you can do when your only available QB is Tanner GPT. While Dakota was without the Great White Hope at QB this week, he did benefit from Josh Jacobs return, who hit
the ground running and punched
his way into the endzone in his season debut. Despite having the fewest Points scored 7 weeks into the season, DumbP has lucked out enough on his matchups to land himself in the mix for playoff contention. 

Boof's Beefy 5 Layer Boys 101.34 - 122.46 Hard knockers

The Hard Knockers are another sneaky team that finds themselves winning back to back games and shooting right back up into a contending position in the West. This week, the Beefy boys found themselves in the crosshairs, and Shannon's team rocked and rolled over them so hard, you would think it was an iHRT Radio concert. The Knockers won the Jameson Williams sweepstakes and managed to play him in one of his Boom weeks, which is always a great feeling, and their three Running Backs all had a solid showing to ice the matchup. Buford's running backs would have been an absurd duo in 2020, but didn't drink their prune juice this week and it showed. Buford also made the mistake of playing our second favorite Christian Kirk, who was straight up doing cardio out there. 

Love you!