LEAGUE STANDINGS

This Week in the NFL and the World: The reigning Super Bowl Champs got embarrassed on their "Home" turf, Baker's revenge game was soured by a late FG, the Lions and Falcons lose in heartbreaking fashion, and two goal line fumbles ruin Russell's return home. Also the Queen died and we celebrated the anniversary of September 11th by watching beefed up men run at each other for 10 hours straight.

Game Results

Boof's big beefy boys 134.08 - 119.58 Bo0ya's ornery melonheads

Take me back to Thursday Night. It was a wonderful 48 hours believing that Boof would be sent to the shadow realm this week. Each team had a Rams WR on Thursday Night, but apparently the "II" in Allen Robinson II stands for how many points he will score. Meanwhile Coop and Matt Stafford thought this was just a normal pitch-and-catch after their weekly Grand Slam breakfast at Denny's. The game ended with Kupp seeing a respectable 98 targets, to ARob's negative 7. Baker Mayfield didn't do Boof any favors, as he was still clearly confused and trying to throw the ball to his former teammates early in his return to Cleveland. The tides turned later on Sunday, however, when Saquon and Justin Jefferson put up monster games, giving the Beefy Boys a sizeable lead heading into MNF. The outcome once again rode on a matchup where both teams had a WR on the field, but the Melonheads also had one (1) Russell Wilson, up their sleeve. Russell trotted out the tunnel and exclaimed, "Bronco's Country, lets die" and their team did exactly that, along with the Melonheads hopes of squeaking a out a week 1 victory.

Jtopia Football Club 126.64 - 132.48 MC Raw Dogs

In a similar fashion, Jay was also feeling pretty good after Thursday Night, with Josh Allen and Gabe Davis leading a thrashing against the Rams, but Jared also had to feel good about the 18 points from the Bills Defense. Led by Ja'Marr Chase, the Motor City trio of Bengals put up some respectable numbers despite a pretty bad real life game, especially first half, which likely had Joe wanting to Burrow his head in the ground after turning the ball over 4 times. The Raw Dogs may need to call in Hagrid to handle this Three-headed beast, who will surely be even more formidable once their offense returns to form. The Football Club still put up some pretty good numbers, however, despite Keenan showing up groggy after his SNL performance the night before, which did lead to injury. Regardless, Herbert showed up Justin time, and Jaylen Waddled into the endzone on a big 4th down play, but Travis was not Etienne his Wheaties quite like JRob, who put up big numbers on the bench, and Jtopia's Tight End situation likely had him wanting to Kmet Seppuku*. Still, a top 3 performance in points scored has to keep The Football Club optimistic for the future.

*Jared texted me this joke and it was too good not to include

Staten Island Jokers 104.32 - 91.14 PUP n Suds

Standing firm in his defense that "I literally did not draft this guy, I don't know how he ended up on my team", Josh is hoping for more selective amnesia after Cam Akers hatched a large goose egg in the Flex position on Thursday. The Jokers did put up the 3rd lowest scoring performance in the league this week, but still managed to emerge victorious, predominantly due to the Tight End matchup. Travis Kelce shows no sign of slowing down, motivated by his $57M contract with the Chiefs, and his $86M contract with Dave N Busters. Meanwhile Austin Hooper shows no signs of speeding up, and we knew coming into the season that the Pup N Suds success would heavily rely on the Tennessee Titans being good, which they were not this week. However, the Jokers will need to see some improvement in future weeks, as their performance did not spark joy either. Much like you would a meteor shower, Adam Thielen watched with awe as he ran shallow crossing routes all day and the ball sailed miles above his head in Justin Jefferson's direction. The Jokers will hope their team can match the heavy expectations put on them by the Snickers projections in future weeks.

Boob Plowers 114.18 - 118.74 Chafey's Buff boys

This week's closest game featured the perennial League favorites facing off against Luke's Boob Plowers. After a last minute Megamind moment, the Buff Boys subbed in the Panthers Defense, who rallied to score Zero points, but were overshadowed by impressive outings from Patrick Mahomes, D'Andre Swift, and Pittman Jr. Mooney put up some certified poop numbers for the Plowers, but it's hard to put any stock in the Bears game, since it was played at a neutral site in Bikini Bottom. It looked like the Buff Boys were firmly in the clear toward the end of the Sunday Afternoon games, but some big plays from the Plowers' Las Vegas receiving duo brought the game matchup back into Boob Plowing territory. Despite a truly miserable first half, Dak Prescott still had a lot of time to redeem himself and bring the Plowers to victory, but decided his hand was made of Play-Doh and walked off the field to go get surgery in the middle of the game, thus securing a nail-biting victory for the Buff Boys. I have included a reference pic of my phone notifications when I was unable to watch the Chiefs-Cardinals game to spectate this matchup's heavy hitting QB head-to-head.

MingusBluesBoys 75.0 - 113.9 Myers Man's Men

In a rematch from Week 1 of last season, the Myers Men hoped for a repeat of the drubbing from almost exactly 365 days ago. One of the unique aspects of a Superflex league is that QB's are of utmost importance, since they naturally put up big scoring numbers. Unfortunately Aaron Rodgers is still recovering from some Ivermectin side effects, and Matt Stafford (who has still yet to be seen in the same room as Haley Joel Osment) is still hungover from the Super Bowl parade 7 months ago. Meanwhile, Carson Wentz went off on the BluesBoys bench while mourning the death of his Grandmother this week. The Myers Men leaned on their first rounder, Jonathan Taylor, who lived up to the hype in his season debut, and AJ Brown looked like a stud on his new team. Carter delivered high praise on Brown when interviewed after the game: "Love Brown. He's built too. Thick and man made. You can tell he's sculpted because you can see it through the kit. His vice grip thighs. Suffocating thighs. Rock hard thighs. Piping hot thighs. Great arms. Great abs. A stocky chest. Love the progress his body has made throughout his youth and now as a willing eager adult." Carter declined comment on any of his other players. Mingus unfortunately is this weeks biggest loser as he scored the fewest points, and awaits the dreaded axing from the Snickers AI.

THE DOMS REPORT - By CARSON WARREN

WE DEM BOYS

Week one contained some juicy injuries that will send several teams back into the shadow realm of insignificance. Here are this week's BOYZ.

• One of the headline injuries of the week occurred in the Sunday night blowout of the Dallas Cowboys. Dak Prescott suffered a hand injury requiring surgery and should be out at least six weeks. Preliminary reports reveal that Dak was caught reaching into the cooler and taking out Kyler Murray's Reese’s cup yogurts. Those were clearly marked for Kyler.

• T.J. Watt seems to have gone down with a devastating pectoral injury. However, the Steelers got at least some good news that Najee Harris’ foot injury seems to be minor and he is good to go for week 2. Video footage seems to show Watt bench pressing Joe Burrow through the mantle of the Earth’s dense crust. With that kind of force, it is no wonder his chest sinews snapped.

• Mac Jones did not attend his postgame conferences due to a back injury. It seems he has been cleared to play and it may have been the quick post game visit to the Watson Therapy and Spa that saved the Patriots from this potentially devastating injury.

• Elijah Mitchell of the 49ers suffered a knee injury that will keep him out of action for the next 2 months. However, the good news, is that playing the game Sunday was an excellent opportunity to engage in water aerobics and therapy with Justin Fields.

• Tee Higgins suffered a concussion in the game on Sunday against the Steelers. News reports have let us know that the concussion has actually brought back repressed memories of his childhood. We have learned from the exclusive scoop that his name was originally Teeshirt Higginbotham. Who can blame him for repressing that memory. The Bengals will have to rely on other receivers and their laughable line of scrimmage to pick up the slack.

Connor's Meme of the week