LEAGUE STANDINGS

This Week in the NFL and the World: This week, the Dolphins put up a historic 70 points on the Denver Broncos in a 50 point victory. Last season, Nathaniel couldn't Hackett, so they axed him and brought in Sean "Jango Fett" Peyton, who described the Broncos former coach as a "little trash". Well, 3 weeks in and the Broncos are 0-3 and just had a 70 burger dropped on their head, so coach Peyton kinda looks like a clown. Also the Cardinals, led by renowned astrophysicist Josh Dobbs, beat the Cowboys out of nowhere. Dobbs will be taking his bonus check to a cosmetic surgeon to try to fix whatever he has going on with his North head. 

Game Results

Team MingusBluesBOYS 177.92 - 98.1 Stated Island Jokers

There were some very close games this week. This was not one of them. It doesn't take a teacher to see that the Dolphins have some chemistry going on, and no one benefited more from that then Carsbob this week. Carson's 2 Miami players combined for 67.9 points, and his team wasn't done there, with a couple more big time scores coming from Ken Doll Walker and Jackson Mahomes' brother. It was a down week for the Jokers, but maybe that's for the best, because he never really had a chance in this one. It became apparent things were not going well when Josh could be overheard in Discord holding back tears and showing Ximo magic tricks (I can make your red rocket disappear!). The defending champ may have laughed his last clap, but there is still plenty of time left in the season to turn it around. The Blues Boys, on the other hand, are looking like a juggernaut thus far this season, and he's poised to omni-slash his way through all of us. Mingus' 177 points is more than anyone scored last season, and Carson is sitting alone at 3-0, with the most points scored on the season. 

Jtopia Football Club 133.22 - 133.2 Myers Man's Men 

Wow. What a game. The drama between these two teams started last week, when Nick Chubb's knee got shattered into bolivian. Jay was destitute and needing a replacement for the stud RB, so his backup is the natural candidate. Well Carter decided it would be funny to bet a single dollar more than Jay had available in order to acquire Jerome Ford on waivers. Ever since, the managers have been at each others necks, and tensions rose when Jay called out Carter as a "stuttering, malnourished cretin". Later in the week, Carter made the whole discord call unnerved when he exploded back at Jay, labeling him a "future shitty dad". Zailey, unprompted, chimed in "Why don't you go blow your nose". Needless to say, tensions were high heading into this matchup, and only got higher when we headed into Sunday Night with a palpable, but surmountable deficit for AJ Brown, the Eagles D, and the Myers Men. The Defense does it's job and locks up Baker and the Bucs, and the Eagles would get the ball back with 9:00 left in the game, and never give it back. On this drive is where things got very interesting, Carter was only down 4 points, and AJ Brown hauled in a 25 yarder to cut the deficit to 1 point. But then, all hope is lost when the Eagles hit 4th down. Surely they will just kick a field goal, right? WRONG. Big Dick Nick decides to go for it on 4th down, on what would be the very LAST play of the game. And who else does Jalen Hurts find but AJ MFin BROWN, for 4 yards... which is.. just enough to bring Carter within .02 points of Jay. Game over, bring in the horses, Myers Men are handed their first loss of the season.

Team Pup N Suds 140.22 - 105.9 Hard Knockers

The Pup N Suds have had a transcendent rise in the Snickers charts over the first few weeks of the season, going from dead last all the way up to number 2. Connor made an excellent choice starting Jordan Love over Sam Howell this week, with the latter throwing 4 picks and racking up a whopping 0.6 points. The real star of the show is Davante Adams, who was targeted 20(!!) times, catching 13 of those for 170 yards and 2 TD's. While his Running Backs left a little to be desired (shocker, his bench did better) Connor did also benefit from the Historic Shellacking in Miami, with Tua accumulating points like they were disapproval from his father. For the Hard Knockers, it has been a rough start to the season. They have the least points through 3 weeks, and have yet to stumble into a win. But progress is not linear, and the Knockers are swingin in the right direction after a well-timed Dalton pickup, and a big trade to get some WR depth.

Duck Luck's Lucky Ducks 104.18 - 150.34 Boof's Big Beefy Boys 

"May we be safe from... Deebo". The Lucky Ducks have been anything but, at least when it comes to Running Back injuries thus far. The Ducks rolled out Matt Brieda and Zack Moss this week, which is not a combo I thought I would be seeing this season. Despite all of that, Moss actually kind of cracked off, along with Deebo Samuel, but this matchup was really just the Keenan Allen show. Allen had 18 catches and 215 yards to put up 36 points WITHOUT scoring a TD (he did pass for one), which is just unheard of. Pair that with Ja'Marr Chase remembering how to catch, and Lamar remembering how to run, and this one was gg go next from the Beefy Boys. Boof gets his first win of the season, and we will stand by to see what inevitable injuries Moss and Brieda sustained in their games. 

Chafey's Tender Fellas 95.06 - 99.04 Bo0ya's ornery Melonheads

I am MAD about this one. First off, Joshua Kelley. What an absolute scrub. He plays one game with Ekeler and goes off for 91 yards and a TD. And then he gets the backfield to himself and wtf does he do but get 1 YPC?? My grandma could get more yardage than that if I simply stood her coffin upright in the backfield and just tipped it over at the start of play. In Kelley's 2 games without Ekeler, he has scored 6 points, which is about 1/3rd of the points he scored WITH Ekeler. MAKE IT MAKE SENSE. Well if that wasn't enough, yours truly finally gets his head out of his ass and starts Puka just in time for Matt Stafford to regress his throwing ability all the way back to infancy. Even STILL, Puka is WIDE open for a TD at the very end of the game, and Matt Staff Infection throws the ball behind him so he has to slide down to catch it 2 yards short of the end zone. ITS OKAY THATS FINE BECAUSE THAT GAVE ME JUST ENOUGH! I am up by .06 points against this god awful QB that surely won't get any more points. WRONG. He throws a TD on the next play to put the Melonheads up 4 points. Rams don't get the onside kick and the game is over. Here's another fun fact, if I had just NOT PLAYED A DEFENSE AT ALL I would have won. GG's Stephen and GL at TI. PLEASE touch a boob just once.

THE DOMS REPORT - By CARSON WARREN

The Bengals got back on track this week and the Jets continue to sink into despair. Injuries this week were fairly rare but nonetheless devastating. Let’s meet this week’s hurting losers.. 

1. Mike Williams- Mike Williams suffered a season ending knee injury in the win over the Vikings. At the least the Chargers barely got the win even with Brandon Staley practically throwing the game away. Staley gives off the vibes of someone with the IQ of a disabled puppy and the physical appearance of Urban Meyer if he went on the Atkins diet. For the Chargers to have any chance this season, they better hope Staley pulls an Urban at the bar of the local Red Robin

2. Derek Carr- Derek Carr suffered an injury to the A/C joint of his shoulder in the loss to the Packers on Sunday. Jameis Winston will be stepping in if Derek Carr has to miss any significant amount of time. This has an immediate effect on the humor of the NFL and just might raise the Rotten Tomatoes score on the New Orleans Saints from 10-15 % (Not Fresh… Remember when they were putting bounties on the heads of old men?)

3. Jimmy Garropolo- Jimmy G suffered a concussion and is now in the league protocol and could miss future playing time. It has been reported that when he was taken to the medical tent for evaluation, the sheer angle and magnitude of his chiseled jawline caused an anomalous electromagnetic pulse that created concussion symptoms to begin for all present in the tent. The entire medical staff is now in protocol with an illness being referred to as “Garropolio.”

4. Gus Edwards- Gus Bus left the Ravens game with a concussion and will be in the protocol as well. The Raven’s cannot afford more injuries to the Rb room and will hope to get Gus back soon. For now, the only running back on their roster is Lamar Jackson. Currently Lamar Jackson is getting a lot of work in snapping the ball, passing the ball, catching the ball, calling the plays, and filling up the water bottles with Glacier Freeze Gatorade. Maybe the Ravens could go out in free agent and sign some help, but as the Ravens don’t really seem to care about offensive weapons, they will probably spend their organizational money upgrading their stadium with Coca Cola Freestyle Machines and a sponsorship with Wing Stop. 

Connor's Meme of the week

Boof’s Best Bets™

Week 3

Boof’s Best Bets

Today’s column is brought to you by our new sponsor: CHAFEYGAMING. We are thrilled to have the backing of such a successful and innovative company with ingenious ideas. Have you ever heard of this groundbreaking new fantasy football format called auction drafts?? Auction drafts are all the rage these days! An auction draft in fantasy football is a draft where players are put up for bid and managers bid on them. The draft works like a real auction. Team owners have a virtual budget and use it to bid on players. Once a player is nominated, each team can make an offer on that player. Teams can bid until they decide the player is too expensive or they run out of money. 

In an auction draft, managers are not limited to their draft position. In a snake draft, star players can often be taken before a manager's turn comes up. In an auction draft, managers can bid on and acquire any player they desire. 

Here are some tips for auction drafts: 

• Budget allocation is key.

• Calculate auction values.

• Know your league's tendencies.

• Tiers are your friend.

• Nominations are important.
  
  (Editors Note: This seems like a really cool idea. Wow. Whoever thought of this is a savant or at the very least, an awesome guy.)

Thanks again to our sponsor, now onto the bets. Week 3 was a weird one. We had 3 huge favorites that went down this week, the Jags, Cowboys, and Ravens all lost outright despite being favored by more than a touchdown. This week’s slate may have some spicy upsets lined up as well!

Shoutout Jay: Once again, Jay has another impressive bet. Brian Branch for DROY $5 to win $155 is looking like a steal. There’s a lot of season to go, but so far Branch has had an incredible start. The season award markets base a lot on stats and having a few interceptions this early is a huge boost. 

Unsolicited advice: Bet live lines! (again) I gave this out last week and it was terrible advice. I doubled down on all my picks with live lines. Broncos? Yikes. Bears? Yikes. Commanders? Yikes. Packers? Genius! (This was the only one I didn’t bet, the moneyline got all the way up to 2500)

So the advice still stands, if you have a conviction on a game, take a look early in the game or around half time and see if you can find a better line. However, if you were dead wrong on a game like me or if the favorite plays terrible like the Cowboys then it’s a wash. 

Player Props! We are all fantasy geniuses, this gives us a leg up by using our massive brains to predict player props. Look to combine a handful of props together in a game you have a good feel for. I’ve learned that betting singles is actually much more cost efficient but I’m a sucker for big + signs so I end up going for big odds with tiny units. This week I hit two (one at 40 to 1 and one at 20 to 1) and it saved my week. (I’m just bragging, normally this has like a 05% hit rate.) 

Boof’s Best Bet 6-5-1 🤑 

Week 3 picks:

Titans +3.5 ❌

Saints + 3  🚫(push)

Falcons, Titans, Broncos, Patriots teaser ❌

Seahawks -4.5 ❌

Washington +5.5 ❌

Steelers +2.5 ✅

Prop of the week: Kenny over 1.5 TDs ✅