LEAGUE STANDINGS

This Week in the NFL and the World: Yo what's up guys, Zach Hanna back here. This week the Chiefs and Niners remained undefeated, the Titans and Bucs remained exclusively defeated, and a whole bunch of other teams played football too. The B family Robinson dropped 5 Touch D's on the Saints, the Chargers floundered as Justin Herbert's skill continues to Benjamin Button, and legendary Sooner QB Lane Johnson retired so he doesnt have to watch the Eagles dogshit offense anymore.

In other news, Christa Pike's lethal injection failed in Tennessee, leaving her in a tragic state. Neurologist's are saying her brain is currently operating at 2.7 Skattebos, with baseline being closer to 55).

Kolkata sources have also informed us that Cooper went to the dentist today and did a great job, his friends and family are all very proud. The 3-year old dental prodigy received one of those sticky, stringy slap hands as compensation for his achievement.

Game Results

Chafey's Tender Fellas 92.36 - 154.4 JTOPia football club

Why are we playing games in London. Nobody asked for this. Nobody wants it. I know that by now I should be setting my lineup before Sunday Morning, but I have always been a thrill seeker and nothing satisfies that quite like procrastination. That's exactly why I'm writing this at 2AM a day late. And that's exactly why Terry McLovin was in my starting lineup this week. At 8AM Pacific Time on Sunday, he was the Scariest Terry I'd ever seen. I can take solace in the fact that no one I swapped in would have made a difference. Jay simply waxed me this week. You'd think that a 45-24 scoreline in a Monday Night showdown between my QB's would be a good omen, but no. Atlanta is setting football back 50 years and neglecting to entertain the thought of a forward pass. Alvin Kamara must have been a beast at Tennessee, surely Butch Jones had him in the starting lineup, right? Because he decided to come out of retirement for the weekend just to clap my cheeks. Tetairoa McMillan was the real standout, and he's finally cementing himself as the WR1 in Carolina. Happy for him, but he could have like, waited one more week to do that. What's really crazy is I wasn't trying this week. Good job I guess, Jay? Idk, it seems like you take this really seriously lol.

Duck Luck's Lucky Ducks 162.04 - 132.64 Boof's Beefy boys

The Lucky Ducks turned things around after a dreadful showing last week from his players and medical staff. Justin Jefferson's ankles are in better shape than Tee Higgins, but he still couldn't suit up this week. However, it was nice to see Mike Evans (Q) back out on the field again after last weeks scare. Also my autocorrect just put that Q there, I didn't even have to type it. The Ducks had a great week across the board, and Drake Maye had a great bounce back week with 3 TD's, one of which was an incredible one-handed snag by his receiver with a touch of the 'Chism. Other standouts include a massve game from Rams Star (Wars) Ky(lo)ren (John) Williams, and Chuba Hubbard. Chuba Hubbard. The name seems like the jokes should write themselves, but I'm struggling to think of anything good. While a Boof loss is a win for the league, the Beefy Boys were no slouches either. It's Buford's first loss of the season, and he still would have beat most other teams this week. While his stable of Running Backs has been carrying him this year, they faltered a bit this week, with some decent-but-not-otherworldly performances. Boof will look to stock up on wheat and Ivermectin to beef up those horses for next week.

San Diego Super Spreaders 119.18 - 134.86 MYers man's men

The stage was set for Carter to have another heartbreaking week. Everything seemed to be playing out exactly like last week, where the Myers Men needed a single average performance on Monday Night to get the win. It was starting to look like a serious case of Bijan Vu*. Well those fears were dispelled comically fast, when Bijan Robinson broke free for a 60 yard TD immediately to give Carter the points he needed. Carter threw on his trunks and clap-laughed all the way to Rip's immaculately maintained hot tub. Josh's voodoo and witchcraft proved ineffective, and may have backfired on him in the form of some devastating injuries to his two best receivers. Really makes me think maybe my parents were onto something when they didn't let me watch Harry Potter until I was 25 years old. Kyler Murray and the Vikings handled the Dolphins but the offense stalled out frequently, and we're beginning to see the twink in the armor. The Myers Man's Men will hope to build on this obvious fluke of a win next week when they head into Duck country.

Slave 2 cow boy 64.92 - 99.56 Bo0ya's ornery melonheads 

There's some sort of graphical bug in the backend code making DumbP's score really big. I tried to fix it but I guess there's some sort of bug when the "score" field breaks the lower bounds of the integer limit. Our webdev team will be looking into a fix during the offseason, but there's no way someone scores so few points again so it shouldn't be an issue. My Mom always told me "If you don't have anything nice to say, say nothing at all", so instead of talking about Dakota's fantasy team, I would like to key in specifically on Josh Ferguson. I'm a bit of an Onomastician (look it up Carter), so I was intrigued by Jack Ferguson's name and it's origins. It turns out the etymology of the name is quite intruiging. The first name, "John" derives from the Hebrew Yohanan meaning "God is gracious". The last name "Ferguson" is an Anglicization of the Scots Gaelic "Macfhearghus", or "Fergie's Son". Well naturally this sparked my curiosity, and I had to find out of this was actually an heir to the Duchess Fergie herself. It turns out Fergie did have a son with Josh Duhamel, but that kid is only 13 years old. After Jeff's performance last Sunday, I'm not ruling out the possibility, but it seems unlikely. So it actually turns out that James Ferguson is the direct antithesis of his very namesake. Jim = "God is Gracious". 11 yards on 4 targets? You should be gracious we don't put you down. Ferguson = "Fergie's Son". He's not. What a disappointment. I should also probably write something about the Ornery Melonheads here. Brock Bowers had a solid game, Joe Burrow was dealing, but lets be honest, Stephen is thanking his lucky stars that he played DumbP this week. 

Puppin Suds 107.04 - 129.56 Mingus Blues Butts

What could have been for the Pup N Suds this week. Saquon Barkley has had a dreadful start to the year, and it only got worse this week when the former Penn State Juggernaut pulled his Hamstring after just four snaps in Sundays clash with the Rams. This was also the first week that the Darnold/JSN stack has been a let down. The Seahawks dominated the Chargers early, but found their success on the ground, leaving nothing but scraps for Connor's dynamic duo. TJ Hockenson also made a devastating for fantasy, but great for real life play, when he intentionally slid down at the 1-yard line to secure the victory against the Dolphins. The Pup n' Suds also had 3 RB's on the bench that outscored both of his starters. After the matchup, media caught Connor sulking out of the GM's office, which has gone viral as the first documented case of someone looking sad while chugging a Mike's Hard Lemonade. Conversely, it was a wonderful week for the Mingus Blues Boys, as they needed to bounce back from last week's defeat. Well let me tell you, he was bouncin' on it alright. The Blues Boys benefitted from an assortment of above-average outings from the team, but CeeDee Lamb stole the show. Dak must have an inflation fetish the way he was feeding Lamb, the Cowboys receiver tallied 189 yards, a TD and 17 catches on 21 (!!!!) targets.

Ray Finkle's Revenge 99.04 - 124.78 Hard Knockers

In Chad's omniscience he made the decision weeks ago to pick up Kalif Raymond, who was on the radar as THE waiver pickup a week ago. Raymond actually ended up being the waiver of the white flag this week, as his dreadfully poopy 1.6 points were the nail in the coffin for Ray Finkle's Revenge. Another turd of monstorous proportions was dropped by Josh Downs, whom I would love to make a joke about, but I've grown as a person. The Hard Knockers have a bit of a logjam at the receiver position, but silenced all the Doubers when Romeo found the endzone twice and put up 20 points from the Flex spot. The WR decision also becomes moot when your Running Backs combine for 50 points, and Javonte Williams and Jonathan Taylor did exactly that. Shannon's squad joins the ranks at 2-2 where SEVEN other teams are all battling to seperate themselves from the pack.

Connor's Meme of the week

Have a great week everyone!

*So for this joke I started with "Deja Vu" and thought "ha, Deja kinda sounds like Dijon" and then the leap to Bijan was obvious. Just a glimpse into my twisted reality.