LEAGUE STANDINGS

This Week in the NFL and the World: Fellas and Fellettes, it's starting to actually feel like Fall. Leaves are beginning to turn to a medley of oranges, yellows, and reds; when you walk outside, you feel that cool autumn breeze greeting you, with a tender smooch on the nips like that of an eager babe. The calm of dusk arrives much earlier than it did a month ago, and the Blumpkin Patches are bustling with little Gourd Goblins eager to carve. This time of year makes me just want to grab a warm drink, pop in my pumpkin spiced buttplug and watch a full day of football.

The football this weekend was sublime. The NFC East went winless despite two of them playing each other, 3 games went to OT, and many more came down to the final snap. We got to watch Dak fire a service worker after being humiliated by the Bucs, we saw the Commanders defy logic with clock management that would make Dan Quinn roll over in his grave. We stared in awe as the Packers rained hell on the Bears with a Blitzkreig-esque air raid. And most importantly, the Golden Hat is back in Norman as Tate Sandell (OU legend and former Antonio Brown appointee as FOTW), drilled a 47 yarder to put the longhorns in their place on Saturday.

But enough yapping, lets dive into this week's results!

Game Results

San Diego Super Spreaders 142.98 - 148.84 Slave 2 Cow Boy

While the Cowboys and Bucs game on Thursday didn't go quite how Dakota hoped on the turf, it was a tremendous outing for the Slave 2 Cow Boy fantasy squad, where Bucky, Dak, Pickens, and (to a much lesser extent) Jase Ferguson put up enough points to eclipse Dumbp's final score from last week. While it was a great start, the Super Spreaders (still not sure if this name is more Covid or Goatse coded) came roaring back with solid performances from just about everyone on the roster, leading into a tense Monday Night. The Spreaders achieved this despite managing Bye weeks and injuries, including one of his QB's. This is where we might have to give some credibility to Josh's QB heavy draft strategy, which has worked surprisingly well and helped him get to last place in the East!

Joshamme dug deep into the heart of the cards, and got a great game from Stafford, and a serviceable outing from Keon Coleman, but no one could deny Josh Allen his little bit of motion, and he carried the Slave 2 CowBoy squad to Agartha and their second win of the season.

Ray Finkle's Revenge 112.72 - 100.76 Team Pup N Suds

Connor took the loss to so badly this week that he literally fled to Germany. Crazy what losing to Chad will do to an mf. The bright spot for the Pup N Suds was a monsterous performance from Jaylen Warren, who had an absurd 188 scrimmage yards and 2 TD's. The Pittsburgh RB has been getting better every week, but with Rico Dowdle returning soon, we'll see if that trend continues. The rest of the Sud Boys frankly did not get the memo. Luther was a Burden, Chris Olive suffered from a horrible Saints performance, and Hockenson waged a war against work as he (probably) faked a concussion to clock out early. Chad's team was also fairly top heavy this week, but he just needed a couple points from James Cook to seal the win. James Cook nearly lost the game with a crucial fumble on Monday Night because he has Vaseline for hands and will always live in his brothers shadow, and his brother's name is Dalvin which is kind of like Alvin who is the lead singer of the Chipmunks and James is a Simon at best, although I'm leaning more toward Theodore, so James has kind of been living in (D)Alvin's shadow for his whole life so that's why he can't hold onto the damn football, but regardless, he still had a pretty good game so Chad wins!

I'll also note that our two newcomers, Chad and DumbP, have both won and lost on the exact same weeks, so it's very sweet to see our new boys' cycles in sync so early❤️

Jtopia Football Crap 89.54 - 89.92 Mingus BARF Boys

In the Sickos game of the week, we were able to quarantine our two lowest scorers up against each other with just a putrid display of gamesmanship and effort all around. Looking at the scoreboard for this matchup, you can draft a series of short stories in binary from all the 1's and 0's these clowns were putting up. Jay was admittidely in Bye week hell, but he finally got the game that was promised from Jayden Daniels who was the best running back on the field in this matchup. Unfortunately that's where the good news begins and ends for the Football Club week, because the reast of his team sucked balls. Carson similarly had a great week at the QB position, but everyone else must have thought they played for the Mingus Danny Phantom's, the way they were goin' ghost. Dalton Kincaid simply needed to score 3 points to win Carson the week, and by god he made it look like climbing Mount Everest, but he actually did it. Better weeks ahead for these teams, but I'm done with them for now. Get 'em out of my sight.

Knard Hockers 106.92 - 121.24 Chafey's Tender Fellas

This is a matchup a lot of us have been anticipating, and the two "Dredden's we Be" Facebook group members finally got to meet on the gridiron to settle things once and for all. Both teams struggled early with some self-inflicted wounds, for the Hard Knockers, it was the decision to play the Cowboys defense against the Bucs on Thursday Night. Shannon saw how the Cowboys Defense treated Dakota so far this season and thought "yeah that oughtta work". The Dallas D/ST scores through 5 weeks look like standard deviations of battery acid on the pH scale, so my heart goes out to anyone who takes a shot on them in the future. For Chafey and the Tender Fellas, Tyler Shough finally regressed to.. whatever that was. The Saint's QB has benefitted from 4th Quarter stat padding thus far this season, but he needed at least 5 more quarters to work his way back to a normal score in this one. After Isiah Likely hung dong on the Saints in the aforementioned shellacking, the Hard Knockers still had a route to a comeback, and like many other contests this week, Monday Night Football was required to settle things. Despite making 3 receptions for 3 yards and 2 Touchdowns, the heroics from Davante Adams were not enough to quell the onslaught from Puka Nokia, who looked indestructible as he added a TD of his own to go with his 138 yards on 70 receptions. 

Trivia Time!  - First person to answer correctly in the group chat gets their matchup featured first in next week's report, along with a glazing, regardless of outcome.

Q: What was the first Horror Film to win Best Picture at the Academy Awards?

Myers Man's Men 110.46 - 169.8 Duck Luck's Lucky Ducks

Coughing baby vs. Hydrogen bomb scenario. Not really much Carter could have done in this scenario when Mr. Hoffman decided to go nuclear and score north of 160 points, with over 24 points from both QB's and only 2 roster slots scoring under 15 points.  Luke endured 3 weeks of Disaster Drake and is now ready to reap the fruits of his labor. It's been a shocking turnaround for Drake Maye over the last 2 weeks, who completely dismantled the Raiders en route to becoming the highest scoring player of the week! The fun didn't stop there for the Lucky Ducks, who simply piled on the points from every position. The Myers Men didn't perform poorly, per se, but a slough (in New Orleans, this is pronounced "Sluck") of middling to good outings wasn't enough to topple the Ducks. A tough week for Carter to manage with Kelce out on bye, but he's famously a slave to Strange and might let him have some run at the TE position after this week.

Boof's Big Beefy Butts 111.6 - 165.74 Bo0ya's Ornery Melonheads

Coughing baby vs. Hydrogen bomb scenario. Not really much Boof could have done in this scenario when Mr. Hoffman decided to go nuclear and score north of 160 points, with over 24 points from both QB's and only 2 roster slots scoring under 15 points. Buford is obviously public enemy number 1 in our league, so you know Bo0ya had this matchup ovaled on the calendar from week 1. Speaking of ovals, the letter O is one, and will be next to Deebo Samuel's name for a few weeks after the Niners WR pulled hammy and may return 3 weeks and 45 pounds from now, based on his history. Our prayers also go out to Carnell Tate this week. Nothing wrong with him, he's just on the Titans. While Jhamyr Gibbs had his routine explosion for 35 points, Boof had 4 other players score essentially zero, and Stephens team simply was stronger than God this week. 

Thanks for reading!