Week 15: December 14-18

PLAYOFFS

(1) Bo0ya's Ornery Melonheads

(4) Team MingusBluesBoys

(2) Jtopia Football Club

(3) Hard Knockers

CONSOLATION (AKA LOSERS)

(5) Staten Island Jokers

(6) Myers Man's Men

(7) Boof's Big Beefy Boys

(8) Chafey's Tender Fellas

(9) Team Pup N Suds

(10) Duck Luck's Lucky Ducks

*Season

This Week in the NFL and the World:

Game Results

Myers Mans Men 112.16 - 104.0 Team MingusBluesBoys

Carson stormed out the gates this year as the clear favorite, separating himself from the pack with a 6-1 start. But Carson knows better than anyone that the Fantasy season is a marathon, not a sprint, and since their hot start, the BluesBoys have limped to a 2-5 record, throwing him right back into the mess of all the other playoff hopefuls. During this week's bout with the Myers Man's Men, the BluesBoys came up just short, thanks largely to Tyreek Hill's injury. Reek has been absolutely carrying the BluesBoys on his back, and his partial absence shows what a big piece he is to this squad. Carter battled through a Justin Herbert injury, and will now have to look elsewhere for a QB as Herbie goes on IR and Brandon Staley likely gets taken out back to be shot and put in a dumpster. Carter has to be frustrated with the inconsistency of his team, especially considering he has more points scored on the season then Stephen, who has already qualified for the playoffs. This week, however, Carter scored enough to take down Mingus, and Mingus did not get enough production out of Patty Mahomes, who was irate at the officials for doing their jobs correctly. Andy Reid was also heated, as you can see from the press conference below:

Duck Luck's Lucky Ducks 153.62 - 142.92 Boof's Big Beefy Boys

This was a MUST win matchup for Boof, who is on the brink of playoff elimination. The good news is that only one team in the league scored more points than Boof this week. The bad news is that he played that team. Boof scored THIRTY(!!!) points more than Carter, who was the third highest scoring team on the week. It turns out that when it comes to ruining other teams seasons, the Lucky Ducks turn into the 95 Bulls. The Ducks scored 153 points, which is 30 more points than Luke has scored in any other game this season, so the stars have truly aligned for Boof to have just the worst week ever. Baker, Barkley, Deebo, and Njoku all dropped 20+ in contributing to the avalanche from the Lucky Ducks, with Saquon being the nail in the coffin on Monday Night. Buford surprisingly handled the loss with grace, and did not send out a rant that looked like the ramblings of a madman, and was not upset at all, and his son definitely doesn't think he sucks at fantasy football. Boof has a do-or-die matchup with the Hard Knockers next week, and will need a little help from others to squeak into the playoffs. For the Lucky Ducks, they will surely ruin my season next week.

Team Pup N Suds 66.92 - 101.52 Chafey's Tender Fellas

The Tender Fellas are hanging on to just a bee's dick of hope that there is still a spot in the playoffs for their scrappy boys. After a 5 game skid, Chafey has delevoped a bulletproof strategy, which is just to play the lowest scoring team every week. It worked last week against the Myers Men, and believe it or not, it paid off this week against the Pup N Suds as well. The Pup N Suds did get a moral victory by not having the lowest score in the history of the league. This title still belongs to last year's Motor City Raw Dogs, or rather the Hard Knockers, apologies for deadnaming, who scored 39.16 points in Week 17. HOWEVER, part of this score is because Demar Hamlin legally died for 12 minutes and wrote the book 'Heaven is for Real', so they cancelled the game. In the week prior, Carson scored 40.96 (on 106 projected) with his whole team playing, so we'll allow both teams to share the title. Returning to present day, the Pups were glad to see that Kyren Williams saved them from having nobody score above 10 points. It could not have been more timely for the Tender Fellas, as with the win, their playoff chances have more than DOUBLED (from 2% to 5%) and Chafey is just like the league cockroach who can't be killed for good. It will take a miracle for this team to make the playoffs, but

Jtopia Football club 100.56 - 105.5 Staten Island Jokers

A win this week would have secured a playoff spot for Jay and his Football Club, but instead of winning, they opted to lose to the Jokers. This game encapsulates everything about the playoff hunt in Kolkata Fantasy right now. No one has been able to separate from the pack, we just have 6 teams kind of slinging poop at each other in the mud and guck. Jay suffered some untimely injuries to Justin Jefferson and Nico Collins, which gave Josh the confidence to leave his flex and Defense positions EMPTY and secure the win. We have to wonder if Josh is big-braining himself into a corner here, with potential 'points-for' tiebreakers on the horizon. We'll find out next week when the poop flinging continues and both of these teams fight for their playoff lives. A truly unfortunate loss for Jay as his bench scored almost as many points as his starting lineup.

Hard Knockers 86.22 - 108.02 Bo0ya's Ornery Melonheads

Bo0ya has done it. The first person in the league to secure a playoff spot with only 1 week left in the season! A big congrats is in order to Stephen for being the luckiest asshole on planet earth. The Melonheads have the fewest Points Against, and their Points For is 14 points below the League Mean of 1595.87. It's better to be lucky than good, and that was evidenced by this nitwit securing a playoff spot this week. Despite the questionable path he took to get there, Stephen's team will be formidable in the playoffs, especially with the threat of his two highest scoring superstars, Jake Browning and the Saints Defense. For Jared and the Hard Knockers, unfortunately a bad week for the Lions means a bad week in Fantasy. And the Lions were bad this week. Jared Goff and Sam Laporta have been the backbone of this team throughout the Knockers' 6 game winning streak, but that train has halted to a stop, and now the Knockers will be fighting for their lives in the final week like many others.

THE DOMS REPORT - By CARSON WARREN

Not too many devastating injuries this week, but Mingus did pull his back this morning and has the mobility of a 91 year old former stunt double. Here are this week’s lower back vertebrae.

Justin Herbert- Herbert is out for the year after having surgery on his right index finger. Brandon Staley and the Chargers will have to go the rest of the year without him. Don’t worry though, Staley just needs to trust the process and update his resume so he might be able to get a job at a LIDS at his local mall.

CJ Stroud- Stroud is in concussion protocol and we will see if he misses any time going forward. Coach Ryans has reported that he is requiring Stroud to watch the “I don’t want to use my head!” scene from Toy Story 2 at least 3+ hours per day while he rests his aching head.

Justin Jefferson- Jefferson got into the game, was hit, and immediately left to not return. He was actually taken to the hospital to make sure no serious damage was done. No damage was done, but the Dobbfather has had major regression and it seems he may have to stick to Aerospace Engineering to secure his future going forward. The Vikings will be starting the hilarious comic Nick Mullens going forward, but hopefully his past podcasts and tweets don’t get him canceled and executed in 0.2 seconds.

Josh Jacobs- Jacobs hurt his knee in the dumpster fire disaster that was the Raiders and Vikings matchup. He may miss time going forward, and it should come as no surprise to anyone who has watched their games this year. They hand the ball off to Jacobs 25 times per game, don’t block a soul, and then their Irish quarterback who looks like a pedophile misses a 3 yard hitch. They punt, play mediocre defense, rinse and repeat. Jacobs has reportedly requested to add a new package called the JingleHeimer (a variation of the wildcat) to give him a chance in open space.

Connor's Meme of the week

Boof’s Best Bets™

SHAQTIN IS BACK!!!

THE PLAYOFF PICTURE

By Bo0ya Hoffman

To Start: All of this is based off of what I found from this one reddit thread about what espn does in the case of multiple team ties where the teams have not played the same number of head to head matchups against each other. (They just skip straight to points for)

(https://www.reddit.com/r/FFCommish/comments/z9ussm/espn_h2h_tiebreaker_with_4_teams/)

Current Standings:
(x)Stephen: 10-4

Carson: 8-6

Jay: 8-6

Josh W: 8-6

Jared: 8-6

Boof: 7-7

Zach: 7-7

Current Points For:

Carson: 1,732.96

Jay: 1,651.32

Josh W: 1,589.4

Jared: 1,578.56

Boof: 1,561.3

Zach: 1,548.84

3 spots available

Individual Outlooks

Carson: Plays - Connor

Win - 9-6
- If one of Jared, Jay, or Josh W lose - IN
- If all three win -“Points For” tiebreaker

Loss - 8-7
- If Jared, Jay, and Josh W all win - OUT
- If One loses - “Points For” tiebreaker between all 8-7 teams

Jay: Plays - Stephen

Win - 9-6
- If one of Jared, Carson, or Josh W lose - IN
- If all three win - “Points For” tiebreaker

Loss - 8-7
- If Jared, Carson, and Josh W all win - OUT
- If One loses - “Points For” tiebreaker between all 8-7 teams

Josh W: Plays - Carter

Win - 9-6
- If one of Jared, Jay, or Carson lose - IN
- If all three win - “Points For” tiebreaker

Loss - 8-7
- If Jared, Carson, and Jay all win - OUT
- If One loses - “Points For” tiebreaker between all 8-7 teams

Jared: Plays - Boof

Win - 9-6
- If one of Jay, Carson, or Josh W lose - IN
- If all three win - “Points For”

Loss - 8-7
- If Jay, Carson, and Josh W all win - OUT
- If One loses - “Points For” tiebreaker between all 8-7 teams

Josh B: Plays - Jared

Win - 8-7
- If Jay, Carson, and Josh W all win - OUT
- If at least one of those three lose - “Points For” tiebreaker between 8-7 teams

Loss - 7-8 OUT

Zach: Plays - Luke

Win - 8-7
- If three of Jay, Carson, Jared, and Josh West win - OUT
- If at least two of those four lose - “Points For” tiebreaker between 8-7 teams

Loss - 7-8 OUT

ALL POSSIBLE SCENARIOS

SCENARIO 1:

Wins: Jay, Josh W, Carson, Jared

Playoffs: Stephen, 3 of (Jay, Jared, Carson, Josh) based on Points For tiebreaker

SCENARIO 2:

Wins: 3 of Jay, Josh W, Carson, Jared

Playoffs: Stephen, the 3 that won

SCENARIO 3:

Wins: (2 of Jay, Josh W, Carson, Jared), Boof, Zach

Playoffs: Stephen, the 2 that won, 1 of (tiebreaker between 2 that lost, Boof, and Zach)

SCENARIO 3.1:

Wins: (2 of Jay, Josh W, Carson, Jared), Boof

Playoffs: Stephen, the 2 that won, 1 of (tiebreaker between 2 that lost, Boof)

SCENARIO 3.2:

Wins: (2 of Jay, Josh W, Carson, Jared), Zach

Playoffs: Stephen, the 2 that won, 1 of (tiebreaker between 2 that lost, Zach)

*SCENARIO 3.3:

Wins: (2 of Jay, Josh W, Carson, Jared)

Playoffs: Stephen, the 2 that won, 1 of (tiebreaker between 2 that lost)

SCENARIO 4:

Wins: (1 of Jay, Josh W, Carson, Jared), Boof, Zach

Playoffs: Stephen, the 1 that won, 2 of (tiebreaker between 3 that lost, Boof, Zach)

SCENARIO 4.1:

Wins: (1 of Jay, Josh W, Carson, Jared), Boof

Playoffs: Stephen, the 1 that won, 2 of (tiebreaker between 3 that lost, Boof)

SCENARIO 4.2:

Wins: (1 of Jay, Josh W, Carson, Jared), Zach

Playoffs: Stephen, the 1 that won, 2 of (tiebreaker between 3 that lost, Zach)

SCENARIO 4.3:

Wins: (1 of Jay, Josh W, Carson, Jared)

Playoffs: Stephen, the 1 that won, 2 of (tiebreaker between 3 that lost)

SCENARIO DEFCON 9000 MAXIMUM CHAOS HOLY FUCKING SHIT LETS GO:

Wins: Zach, Boof

Playoffs: Stephen, 3 of tiebreaker between Jay, Carson, Josh W, Jared, Zach, Boof

SCENARIO DEFCON 8999 CRAZY CHAOS HOLY SHIT LETS GO:

Wins: Zach

Playoffs: Stephen, 3 of tiebreaker between Jay, Carson, Josh W, Jared, Zach

SCENARIO DEFCON 8999 CRAZY CHAOS HOLY SHIT LETS GO 2:

Wins: Boof

Playoffs: Stephen, 3 of tiebreaker between Jay, Carson, Josh W, Jared, Boof

SCENARIO WOW EVERYONE SUCKS:

Wins: Stephen, Jared, Luke, Connor, Carter

Playoffs: Stephen, Jared, 2 of (tiebreaker between Carson, Josh W, Jay)

SCENARIO WOW EVERYONE REALLY SUCKS:

Wins: Stephen, Boof, Luke, Connor, Carter

Playoffs: Stephen, 3 of (tiebreaker between Carson, Josh W, Jay, Jared, Boof)

*Scenario 3.3 is the ONLY scenario where head to head tiebreaker would be used as it is the only tie between two teams. All three team or more ties (I believe) would be between teams with an uneven number of head to heads against each other, and so it defaults to Points For.

TLDRIEFPIDWTRATS*

*(Too Long Didn’t Read I’m Eliminated From Playoffs I Don’t Want To Read All This Shit)

In Summary:

Stephen is the actual luckiest duck but won’t win a game in the playoffs.
Carson and Jay are so far ahead that if they win it is basically guaranteed they get in.
Josh W and Jared are neck and neck, so even with a win, there’s a chance they could lose a tiebreaker. (Jared has to score 10.84 more than Josh to guarantee a spot on a win)
Zach and Boof are both hoping for a little magic. Even with a win they would need to put up 30ish points over Josh W and Jared both AND hope those two both lose. They need to shoot for the moon if they want a chance, and they should maybe start thinking about sparking up the conversation around the consolation bracket winner’s prize.

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