Summer is halfway over, the days are getting shorter, Boof and Carson are Back to School Shopping, my wife is already being passive aggressive about me being married to the TV, and I got an email notification that this domain was automatically renewed, which can only mean one thing. Football is back, baby. Outdoor Activities? Cancelled. Barbie? Cancelled. Vacation plans to Maui? Believe it or not, Cancelled. The only things that matter now are RPO's, tight spirals, and Hefty Hunks in tight pants. If you have been checked out of the NFL since February, this is your one-stop shop for everything you need to know heading into the 2023 season.

First things first, congratulations to Josh West and his Staten Island Jokers for taking 1st place last season, defeating Boof in the Josh Bowl for the championship. If Boof had won for a 3rd consecutive season, I fear that the rest of Kolkata may have reacted in a manner that would make Jim Jones jealous. However, the league has still yet to crown a non-Josh Champion, a trend we can only hope comes to an end this year.

Without any Freddy Adu, lets jump into some important info for the upcoming fútbol season.

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QB Contracts and Battles

In stark contrast to their backfield packmules, Quarterbacks have been signing lucrative deals this summer, including blockbuster deals for Justin Herbert, Jalen Hurts, and Lamar Jackson. Lamar's 5 Year, $260 Million contract is especially notable considering it makes him the highest paid NFL Running Back EVER, in an offseason where his peers have struggled to earn minimum wage. QB's across the league have been standing in solidarity with their Running Backs, with Justin Herbert reportedly even allowing Ekeler to come try out his new swimming pool.

While many franchise QB's have scored massive paydays, there are some teams that still have the position up for grabs. In Tampa Bay, Baker Mayfield and Kyle Trask are in a heated battle to earn the starting job. Mayfield, who is still the leagues highest paid QB through his commercial deal with Progressive Insurance, is on a mission to prove to the haters that he is not ass, and the last 5 years are merely an anomaly. Kyle Trask has been trying to snatch the starting job from Baker's crotch-grabbing hands, and is promoting his name recognition with the nickname Traskquatch which teammates have noted he "totally made up himself" and "no one calls him that". This battle will come down to the wire, and could be the difference between the Bucs winning 2 or 3 games this year.

In San Francisco, the 49ers have a three-way battle of their own. Brock Purdy shocked the NFL last year when he displayed his ability to effectively hand off the ball to Christian McCaffrey, which took them all the way to the NFC Championship. Trey Lance was a favorite to contend for the starting job, but he tripped on the way to training camp and has been ruled out for the first 5 weeks of the season. Lastly, Sam Darnold is apparently still in the NFL, and he is technically an option at the Quarterback position. Kyle Shanahan has repeatedly stated that the three QB's are only with the team to fulfill roster requirements, and they will likely just be lining up Deebo and McCaffrey in the Wildcat each play.

Up in Indianapolis, the Colts are testing Rookie Anthony Richardson up against fan favorite Gardner Minshew. Both prospects have been talking themselves up this offseason, with Richardson explaining that he models his game after Michael Vick. "I guess I just got that dog in me", said the Florida Gators product in his first week at training camp. Unprompted, Richardson continued, "Yeah I am kind of like a neglected pitbull on a warpath.". When asked about adapting to the NFL, in an attempt to change the subject, Richardson ignored the question and elaborated even more - "No seriously, I would go into a cage with another dog that's also been bred specifically to kill. I would fight that dog until he or I died or surrendered, knowing full well that the surrendering dog would be drowned, hanged, shot, strangled, or otherwise executed. I'm just that kind of player". When asked for a response, Gardner Minshew simply stated "How much you wanna bet I can throw a football over them mountains?" gesturing broadly to the entirely flat Indiana landscape. The Colts are expected to continue exploring the QB free agent market.

Commanders new ownership

The Washington Commanders have been purchased for $6 Billion by a group led by Josh Harris, who has previous ownership experience with the Philadelphia 76ers, and the New Jersey Devils. Washington fans have been clamoring for the team to be sold in recent years, after mountains of accusations built up against the team's now-former owner, Dan Snyder. Snyder has been all over the news recently with countless allegations of misconduct. Notably, Snyder was accused of fetishizing the feet of young woman actresses who worked on some of his TV Shows, like iCarly and Victorious. Snyder was also accused of being prone to tantrums and outbursts, creating a hostile work environment on set. The sale of the Commanders comes after Snyder was also fired from Nickelodeon in 2021, continuing the landslide of his career. Either way, the Washington fanbase are glad to be rid of him, and are optimistic of the new ownership.

Quick Hitters-

Sean Payton goes Gordon Ramsey mode
In a recent interview, Sean Payton decided to go absolutely nuclear on Nathaniel Hackett and the former coaching staff of the Denver Broncos. After being hired to the team earlier this summer Payton said he was "disgusted" by how the team was managed, from summer workouts, to clock management, to personnel, the new coach did not hold back. Payton was especially disgusted to hear that the former Head Coach had not offered the defense a single penny to incentivize injuring or disfiguring another player. 

Jordan Addison McQueen
Vikings Rookie WR Jordan Addison was cited last month for driving 140MPH in a 55MPH speed zone behind the wheel of his new Lamborghini. Addison explained the fellow WR Justin Jefferson challenged him to go for 100+ at Lambeau, and he simply misunderstood the request. When asked about learning his lesson and moving forward, Addison replied "Henry Ruggs is my idol" and promptly left. Addison is expected to face zero consequences for his mistake, because he is an NFL player.

Jonathan Taylor BTFO'd
Jonathan Taylor requested a trade from the Colts last month, and Owner Jim Irsay said "No". Taylor said "crap" and now plans to report to training camp

Grave Runner

Nyheim Hines joined the star-studded Buffalo Bills last season, and immediately contributed, playing in 9 games and averaging -0.5 yards a carry. While Jet Skiing last month, Hines was in a freak accident where another Jet Ski came out of nowhere and collided with him. Hines sustained serious, but not life-threatening injuries in the accident, but is unfortunately going to be sidelined for the 2023 season. In a press conference shortly following the incident, Sean McDermott bizarrely arrived in a wetsuit and sunglasses. "We are grateful to hear that Nyheim is in stable condition following the accident early today" McDermott continued, "Unfortunately, we will not be able to pay Nyheim Hines for this season considering his contract is non-guaranteed, but we wish the best for his family".